Can you provide a definition of TPE?
It is of course next to impossible to provide exact definitions for any relationship, since relationships revolve around individual people, individual needs and individual circumstances.
Having said that, TPE relationships do have certain common denominators.
* First of all, in a TPE relationship the slave is subdued (as opposed to submissive in all other forms of BDSM-based relationships). The slave is considered to be the property of the dominant and as such will find her place among the dominants’ other properties: the house, the pets, the furniture, etcetera.
* Another common denominator is in the word total. Just as one cannot be “a bit pregnant” or only caucasian on Wednesdays and Fridays, the owner/slave relationship is permanent, all-encompassing, non-negotiable and final.
* The third important common denominator is in the decision making. The slave has had the option to either enter or not enter the TPE relationship. After that she has one decision left, which is to leave the entire relationship (something that over time may become increasingly difficult). Other than that, all decisions are left to the owner who, usually for practical reasons, will either temporarily or permanently delegate certain decisions to the slave. This is usually determined by the practicalities of every day life.
Isn’t TPE the same as a 24/7 BDSM relationship?
No, there are very fundamental differences. A 24/7 BDSM relationship is a relationship where BDSM plays a role most of the time, maybe even all the time and within pre-negotiated boundaries. In a TPE relationship the power dynamics are at the very root of the relationship as well as a prerequisite for the relationship. Even if TPE partners do not live together, their relationship is based on the principle that in ALL matters (unless specifically EXcluded) the dominant partner has the final say.
Does TPE mean the Dominant has a final say in everything?
TPE means the Dominant CAN have the final say in everything. That does not necessarily mean he will always and in anything exercise this. Usually what it comes down to is that the submissive will make decisions in the spirit of the Dominant (in other words she will do as he will expect her to do).
In a TPE-relationship the concept of negotiation (as opposed to all other BDSM-based relationships) does not exist. In most TPE relationships the slave will have the option to propose certain things, but whether or not such proposals will be followed is entirely up to the owner.
Doesn’t the submissive make any decisions at all?
Yes, she has made one: to be a slave. That is where the decision making started and ended. Some TPE-couples, for practical reasons, may exclude specific areas, such as custody over children, the submissive’s work, etcetera. In every day life a TPE submissive will of course make decisions, but always in the sense that she will do what the Dominant partner expects her to do (or would expect her to do).
What about safe, sane and consensual?
A choice to enter into TPE is not made overnight, but usually after a long and careful process which – in general – takes quite some time. That goes for both partners of course. That choice is usually made after a long – and quite often difficult – process of thought, communication and real life experiences. As such, that choice is probably one of the most well thought out decisions in the BDSM-community, hence very sane and consensual. And of course TPE partners are just as safety aware as any other responsible BDSM couple. However, once that decision is made, things change dramatically in the sense that such concepts as safewords or negotiation will cease to exist.
TPE couples sometimes – especially in the early stages of the relationship – will incorporate such things as “trial periods”, which allow for testing and building practical experience.
Yes, but what about the rights of the sub and her well being?
TPE dominants are among the most responsible people in the BDSM-community. Since they are very aware of the gravity of their specific relationship (and the potential risks and dangers), they are probably more consciously aware of the well being of their slave. Besides, what’s the point in doing any damage to the one you love? In a TPE relationship the slave can of course bring up her own ideas and preferences. Whether or not these will be implemented however, is the sole decision of the Dominant partner.
A TPE slave is usually responsible for the well being of the dominants’ property and that includes the slave him/herself. Hence the slave will be required to provide the owner with any and all information that relates to her health, well being and physical and emotional safety. Again, the way in which such information is being dealt with is entirely up to the owner. In other words: the slave will feed the owner with information, the owner will provide solutions, decisions and measures. This situation is best compared to a work environment: employees provide information (regardless their position), the buck however stops at the boss’ desk.
Does the dominant decide about what she wears and eats?
If you mean the micro management type of decisions such as worrying every morning about what she wears, the answer is no. TPE is NOT about micro management. On a more general level however, the TPE dominant will provide a set of guidelines that will form a point of reference for his submissive partner.
To provide a few examples: the TPE owner will usually want his property to maintain a healthy diet (and may set general guidelines in that area), but will not worry over the number of sandwiches or whether these are peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese. Most TPE owners will set general guidelines about the slave’s presentation, but instead of – for example – setting a rule about what clothes she should wear, garments that are not to the owner’s liking will simply not be available.
What is the objective of a Total Power Exchange Relationship?
Total Power Exchange does have only one objective. That is to create a situation where there is little or no way back for the submissive partner, or at least not without severe – social, economical and of course emotional – consequences. In other words, create a situation that comes as close to real slavery as realistically possible. As a result, the slave in a TPE situation loses much if not all control over his or her own life, but that is NOT a goal as such, it is a result of trying to achieve the objective. De facto the slave is just as “locked in” as the dominant partner is. Although the dominant may seem to be the one in total control, no sane and caring human being will leave the partner he or she has joined in such an amazing journey totally helpless and walk away.
Is there a legal basis (contract) for TPE?
One of the most frequently asked questions – and THE topic of discussions on TPE – is whether or not the slave can be legally locked in. The answer is no, but – depending on the country you are in – there are legal/economical constructions that come very close. But again, this is not the objective and neither the owner or the slave in a real TPE relationship will feel the need to even try and do that.
Contracts or usually not an issue for Total Power Exchange couples since they feel they do not need one, and actually the situation usually does not require one either. Some TPE couples use contracts as points of reference for evaluation.
Isn’t TPE dangerous to the slave?
The first and foremost thing to remember is that once a TPE situation is in place (a process that in itself will often take many years) there is indeed no way back and the slave is very likely to loose control over assets, income, belongings and in general over her life. As much as they may be appealing to some, this is something to be very aware of BEFORE entering into anything that comes remotely close to a Total Power Exchange situation. So yes, there is a fair amount of danger to those, that jump into a TPE situation feet first.
The other important thing to consider is that there will eventually be a situation where the slave loses alternatives and that the owner increasingly gains a position where he or she can ask anything and getting out is not or hardly an option. It is only wise to consider the possibility that this opens the door to possible (power) misuse and that a TPE situation should be avoided at all times if there is even the slightest doubt about the motivation of either of the partners involved. Unresolved traumas, low self esteem and self confidence, the inability to make independent decisions before entering into TPE, oversized egos and an over concentration on control issues are all warning signals that should make it clear that the partner(s) are NOT fit for a TPE-situation.
Isn’t it all just a fantasy?
To many, yes it is and a full TPE situation is something that can only be accomplished after many, many years at best and – as said – predominantly is a journey that is taken step by careful step by couples that have entered into it.
TPE is one of the most discussed (and fantasized about) items in the BDSM-community, especially on the Internet. A TPE-relationship is real life and a though road. Online relationships by definition cannot be TPE, neither can any relationship where there is (even only one) but, if or possibility for negotiation.
Is it wise to use mentors when entering into TPE?
Absolutely and preferable a mentor couple with TPE-experience. In fact, you probably need a network of highly experienced and critical people. Having an external source of information and evaluation, people that are critical enough to not only support you but also warn you when applicable can be priceless when it comes to avoiding mistakes or ending up in a situation that you actually did not want when you started. It may also very helpful to have a third party that can evaluate your own motives.