1) I’d like to reveal my spanking interests to my partner but am afraid of being rebuffed.
What should I do?
There are actually multiple answers to this question, depending on the source of your nervousness.
First, keep in mind that if spanking is a sexual turn on for you, it should be treated as any other sexual turn on should be treated in your relationship. If it’s ‘too early’ for you to be talking about sex at all, it’s probably too early for you to be talking about spanking.
However, assuming you’re already talking about sex, what special things should you do to talk about spanking as a part of sexplay?
First, you should try to be relaxed over your desires. If you seem too nervous, your partner might pick up on your nervousness, and react badly to it.
Keep in mind that playful swats are exchanged in many ‘normal’ relationships; what you’re asking about is just more of this ‘normal’ playfulness that couples engage in. Also keep in mind that every step of your play will be consensual, so no one will be manipulated into something s/he dislikes.
Because of these two items, you have no reason to feel bad about asking for spanking play, in particular. There is some reason to be nervous that your partner will refuse to engage in spanking play at all; that’s a danger of asking for any form of sexual expression. While it can be painful to find that you can not engage in your favorite fantasies with someone you love, it is nevertheless one of the risks of any relationship and any fantasy.
But what if you’ve approached everything well, and your partner still reacts badly? Well, try to figure out why you got a bad reaction.
Your partner or someone close to your partner may have been spanked or beaten as a child, and talk about spanking might open those bad memories back up. In this case, make sure your partner realizes that you were talking about playful spankings, not real ones, and then try to let the subject drop for the time being unless your partner wants to discuss it further.
It’s also possible that your partner doesn’t have severe emotional problems with spankings, but simply considers spankings as sexplay ‘weird’ or ‘sick’. In this case, you have to decide if the relationship is worth continuing. A warning: while people are often irrational about what is ‘proper’ sexplay, that irrationality should not splash back onto you! If your partner decides that spanking is not good sexplay, that’s one thing; if your partner considers YOU to be ‘sick’ for wanting to engage in spanking play, there’s something seriously wrong with your relationship. Partners should not consider each other’s desires to be sick, even if they don’t want to engage in them personally.
2) I’ve never been spanked before but would like to be. What should I do?
If you’re adverse to asking for a spanking, you can try being teasing and ‘naughty’ and hinting that you deserve one; however, unless your partner is already into spanking, and unless you are looking for fairly mild, playful spankings, you’ll probably have to talk to your partner sooner or later about your desires.
In some senses, it is easier to be a spankee than a spanker. You don’t have to worry about your partner thinking that you want to hurt him or her. However, asking for a spanking comes with it’s own set of dangers.
The biggest thing you want to be careful about is pressuring your partner. Unless your partner is already into spanking, it’s very likely that s/he has no idea what your looking for, and thus, has no idea what you want.
This can be very nerve wracking! It is not easy to do something that you know is hurtful to someone you care for.
Be patient. Keep in mind that your partner can’t read your mind, and thus can’t feel the pleasure that comes with the pain of a spanking. Keep in mind also that your partner doesn’t know what effect s/he is having on your bottom; try to help teach your partner what you like without being discouraging.
Most importantly, give your partner time to get used to each new ‘level’ of spanking. Do not try to push your partner too fast; that’s a sure recipe for making your partner frightened, or making your partner feel inadequate.
Try to react to spanking that you enjoy so that it’s clear that your partner made you happy; this helps a spanker get over the nervousness of ‘hurting’ you. Also, try to reward your partner for spanking you; this is not only a good relationship builder, it’s also a good way to help your partner get turned on by spanking you.
Most importantly, don’t be afraid to guide your partner; you may feel silly laying over your partner’s lap and saying “okay, try just a bit harder this time”, but the long term benefits are worth it. . . both in getting better spankings, and in improving communication.
3) I’ve never given a spanking before but would like to. What should I do?
In some ways, this is easier than wanting to be spanked, because you can take a more active role. However, unless your partner is already into receiving spankings, or unless your desires are satisfied by giving fairly mild spankings, you’ll probably want to talk to your partner about your desires sooner or later.
First, be clear about your desires. If you can’t get turned on except by fairly severe spankings, you may well end up having to find someone who is already into being spanked. While most people can end up dealing with mild spankings, severe spanking is definitely not a taste that you can or should expect someone to acquire.
If you can be satisfied with playful, relatively mild spankings, however, there are still some issues to keep in mind.
First, before even thinking about pain, think about the emotional aspects. Never spank someone for a ‘real’ fault or mistake unless your relationship already has that aspect to it. Never suggest that your partner is submissive in any way, shape, or form, other than in taking a spanking, unless your relationship already has that aspect to it. Most importantly, learn and respect your partner’s preferences in dealing with a spanking; you’re already asking to do something ‘harmful’ to your partner; don’t push your partner into bad emotional states at the same time!
Next, start slowly. The best ‘first swat’ is one that is given over full clothing as a teasing or playful gesture. This lets you measure your partner’s emotional reaction to spanking, and lets you decide if you want to press the issue.
Be careful on those first few swats! A single spank that hits too hard might give your partner the idea that you’re into ‘pain’, not ‘spanking’.
If your partner reacts well to these initial swats, you might want to see how far you can go. If you do so, however, be extremely careful! Yes, it can be a bit embarrassing to admit that you would like to take your partner over your knee and administer a good spanking; it can be a lot worse to have to apologize for having hurt your partner, either physically or emotionally.
In any case, patience is an absolute necessity. If your partner isn’t ‘naturally’ into spanking, you have to make sure that every spanking you administer is a pleasant experience. Since the spanking itself my not be pleasant, make sure that your partner always gets something pleasant out of the experience. This helps link your playful spankings to pleasure for your partner, and will actually help your partner enjoy more and even harder spankings.
Work slowly, not just physically, but psychologically. If your partner ends up enjoying light spanks over underpants, do not assume that your partner will like the same ‘physical level’ of spanks on the bare bottom! There is little physical difference, but the psychological difference is immense.
When working on an uncertain person, spank fairly gently, and mix your hard spanks with softer ones, and with lots of rubbing and caresses. Even a person who doesn’t specifically like spankings might learn to enjoy a few hard swats to bring about a sting, followed by kisses and caresses for contrast.
Finally, and most importantly, let your partner be your guide. Learn to read your partner for signs that say when you’re spanking too hard. Also learn to read your partner for when you’ve actually gotten to the ‘right’ level of spanking! While your spankings may simply be something your partner ‘puts up with’ for the pleasure of being your lover, it’s even better if you both end up enjoying the spankings.
4) I feel silly when I try to play out spankings. How do I make my experiences meet my fantasies?
One thing that you have to keep in mind is that your fantasies are ‘perfect images’ while your experiences are not. In your mind, no one ever spanks too hard, too light, too fast, or too slow. That’s one reason for your first experiences not working out.
The majority of other issues deal with the imagery and energy of the scene.
First, if you don’t enjoy role play, and there’s role playing involved in your first spankings, you’re being distracted from the ‘main event’. . . similarly, if you love role play, but aren’t getting any, you’re not getting any ‘foreplay’, as it were, before the main event. Negotiation regarding the level and type of role play with your partner will help a lot.
However, what if the level and type of role play seems to be working and you still. . . well, feel silly getting into these roles?
It does take practice. There’s a certain kind of ‘magic’ woven through roleplaying, and the ‘spell’ is best served through completely letting yourself go into the role. The “scolding parent” will have a harder time keeping a straight face if the “repentant teen” can’t. . . but if the teen looks nervous and embarrassed and guilty, the parent will have a much easier time staying in character, which will make the scene seem more real and more enjoyable for everyone.
It might well feel silly at first; it does quickly get easier over time.
5) What does consensuality mean?
In general, consensuality means that both parties (the spanker and the spankee) wish to engage in spanking play with each other and both are able to stop the play at any time for any reason. Consensuality is more difficult to define for spanking than for other types of erotic play. For some, getting punished against one’s will for a misdeed is a powerful fantasy. To play out this fantasy thus requires some degree of nonconsent. However, at some point before the activity there should have been some sort of understanding of what the conditions or boundaries would be. A pleasurable (even if painful) experience for both participants should be the ultimate goal of an erotic spanking session.
6) What is a safeword?
A safeword is a word that a spankee may use to stop spanking play immediately. A safeword serves two purposes. It functions as a safety valve to prevent the prolonged violation of limits. And, it allows the spankee to engage in mock protests without confusing the spanker.
Common safewords are “red”, “mercy”, “uncle”, and believe it or not “aardvark” (it must be a west-coast thing). Some people also use cautionary words such as “yellow” to signal that the play is getting close to the limits and should be softened but not stopped.
Safewords seem to be more widely used in the general SM scene than in the spanking scene; however, it is considered wise practice especially when playing with someone for the first time. There are some pitfalls to watch for, however. First of all, the use of a safeword does not relieve the spanker of their responsibility to read and respond to non-verbal cues. Safewords can give a false sense of security to both parties which is dangerous if other forms of communication are ignored. Also, it is considered bad form to intentionally make someone to use their safeword.
7) Is there a consensus here regarding consensuality and safewords?
Yes and no. It is a commonly held view here that spanking play should be consensual; however, a number of tedious, circular discussions have occurred regarding the right of a submissive to relinquish consensuality (but isn’t that still consensual?) or the necessity of an explicit safeword (otherwise you don’t have true consensuality). This issue stirs extremely strong emotions for no apparent reason. The consensus here is that it is not always necessary to use a safeword to achieve consensuality.
8) My partner or I have a low tolerance for pain. Will we be able to enjoy spankings?
It depends. It is possible to work around a low pain tolerance with a good deal of patience and
role play. . . but it won’t work at all if one of the partners simply doesn’t enjoy the gentler spankings required.
Try spankings over full clothing; good fitting blue jeans are a prime choice because they shape the bottom but provide a great deal of protection against sting. Even underpants will provide a lot of protection from sting as long as you’re not really trying to hurt your partner.
Also, experiment with implements; there are a wide variety of implements that provide a lovely ‘smacking’ sound with very little effect, especially through underpants. Light, thin wood paddles, or thin leather wielded somewhat gently work well for this. Some cloth belts also make a good ‘show’, but don’t tend to snap quite as well. Also, some of the implements you’ll find in adult toystores are made for exactly this purpose: making a heck of a show, with little actual effect.
Finally, start very slowly; a slowly built up spanking will cause less pain, and will also help build up a person’s resistance to spankings. People DO gain ‘tougher butts’ over time!
9) How can I get my partner to spank me harder?
If your partner actively enjoys spanking you already, you can probably just provide some gentle encouragement; however, if your partner is not a ‘natural spanker’, your partner could very well be terrified of ‘really’ hurting you. This is an extremely hard thing to get over. Also, your partner may be ‘freaked out’ by seeing you enjoy yourself from something that’s so obviously ‘painful’.
That is why the first step is to avoid pressure. Your partner has some real, honest to goodness issues to deal with.
One thing that will help is trust. Make sure your partner knows that you *WILL* call a halt if it hurts too much. At the same time, joke about how tough your butt really is, and how much it takes to ‘really’ hurt. If you can do it without embarrassment, a demonstration of your ‘prowess’ might help. When your partner sees you smack yourself, hard, and sees that you really didn’t react badly, s/he might get over any timidity. (BTW, when doing such a demonstration, make sure your partner can see your face; a ‘traditional’ spanking leaves your face hidden, so your partner can’t see if you’re smiling blissfully or fighting back tears.)
It might help to make a kind of game out if it, too. Bet something your partner likes against spanks for you, then coach your partner during your reward spanks.
It also helps, as always, if you can give feedback for every step forward. If every harder spank gets a “Oh, MUCH better!”, the spanks will get harder and harder! Also, don’t be afraid to stop a good spanking in the middle for a long kiss of appreciation; again, you might be sacrificing a prime spanking now, but you’ll be setting up better ones to come!
A final word of warning: DO NOT mock or tease your partner for not spanking hard enough; this may feel like you’re insulting your partner’s dislike of ‘really’ hurting you, and can lead to badly hurt feelings. NEVER FORGET that a reluctance to spank hard is grounded in some beautiful, caring feelings. You want your partner to see why those feelings don’t apply to your bottom; you don’t want to get rid of them altogether!
10) How do I minimize the risk of physical injury during spanking play?
It is the responsibility of both parties to play safely. Just as the spanker is responsible for respecting limits, the spankee is responsible for communicating limits. While the spankee may be playing a submissive role in the scene, he or she still has a real- life responsibility to assure safe play.
A common mistake of beginning spankers is to play at too fast a pace which may not allow the spankee enough time to warm up or communicate a problem. At least at first, spankers should take a slow, deliberate pace.
The spanker should avoid spanking near or above the tail-bone. The swats should be focused on the fleshy portions of the cheeks.
Extra caution should be taken when using instruments because of the increased sensation they can administer and because they can cause actual physical harm if misused. Heavy wooden paddles probably require the most caution, especially when the spankee is bent well over.
Assuming you have a trustworthy partner, you can minimize your risk of physical harm by playing within your limits.
11) How bruising can be prevented – or at least minimized?
Toys that are heavy in relationship to their breadth bruise more. Those that are lightweight sting more. Try paddles made of lightweight plastic or wood to minimize bruising. Wooden spoons, ping-pong paddles, and spatulas are also good to try. Just because an implement is lightweight doesn’t mean it can’t really hurt! Speeding up the rate between swats greatly affects the sensation. Varying the number of fast repetitions, rather than the strength, offers another degree of control for the spanker.
Try to relax during play. Tension seems to accentuate bruising. Long, gradual warmups help too. If you want to avoid bruising apply cold to your bottom before and after a spanking. Keep your skin in good moist condition by using lotion. Dry skin will crack easier. You may want to consider a vitamin C supplement of 500mg three times a day. Vitamin C helps build collagen tissue around blood vessels in the skin. This will help the vessel resist rupture. Some people have had good results healing bruises by using arnica (either topical or oral, available in health food stores) and bruise plasters (available in Asian herbal pharmacies).
People on anticoagulant medication (heparin, aspirin, warfarin-coumadin) for problems with clotting should avoid playing hard. Drugs that fall under the category of anti-inflammatory, antidepressants or asthma medications also may inhibit clotting under the skin. These drugs tend to make bruises larger.
Treating a bruise A bruise is actually internal bleeding. You want to apply ice so that the blood vessels shut down. Do this in 15 minute intervals. Don’t apply heat to the skin. Let it warm up naturally. After 24 hours you want to open up the blood vessels to the area so that the blood that has pooled under your skin can be carried away. To do this you apply heat. This same rule should be applied for sore muscles. Always use cold for the first 24 hours and then heat.
Our Thanks to the members of alt.spanking for this material!
- ed. Wasteland