Fan Letter of the Week

dear kiko,
This is a copy of my profile: I’M A SINGLE 31 YEAR OLD I LOVE TO PLAY WITH MY PC AND OTHER THINGS..I COLLECT STAMPS AND ANYTHING INVOLVING THE DENVER BRONCOS..I HAVE A STUDY DAY JOB FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS.YEP AT THE POST OFFICE…I LOVE PLEASING WOMAN ORALLY AND ANALLY BUT ANALLY IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT…I LOVE 80′S MUSIC.NIGHT RANGER,DEF LEPPARD,U2 ETC.. I ENJOY MOST GAMES AND A BEER ONCE IN AWHILE.SPORTS……..OH SEX..I ENJOY TRAVELING….

THIS is TRUE by Randy Cassingham

BANG-BANG, YOU’RE BRAIN-DEAD: Administrators saw three students at the Union Colony Charter School in Greeley, Colo., playing with a water gun. According to the school’s interpretation of the state’s “zero tolerance” weapons law — which mandates suspension of students who “carry, bring, use or possess a firearm or firearm facsimile at school” — the unnamed boys have been suspended. According to standard practice in “weapons” cases, the boys must now face expulsion hearings. (UPI) …Zero Tolerance: the politically correct term for zero thought, zero common sense. QUIT LOOKING AT THE BRIGHT SIDE: A poll commissioned by the Associated Press, run under the headline “Poll: Fed Taxes Too Complicated”, finds that 66 percent of Americans find the country’s tax code “too complicated”, while 28 do not think so. Apparently, six percent had no opinion on the matter. (AP) …Corrected headline: “Poll: 34 Percent of Americans Don’t Realize Just How Complicated Tax System Is”.

SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT: Researchers at the Baycrest Center for Geriatric Care in Toronto, Ont., Canada, say they have found where in the brain jokes are processed. People with right frontal lobe brain damage find it difficult to understand or “get” humor, says psychologist Prabitha Shammi. “Even when they knew it was funny, and could explain why it was funny, they didn’t laugh or smile,” she said. (UPI) …If you don’t think this is amusing, see your doctor immediately.

SLEEP ON IT: Professor Jim Horne of the Sleep Research Center at Loughborough University in England says Britons need more sleep. “Even in our leisure lives, sleep is seen as a waste of time,” he says. “Young people go clubbing. An early night is not cool.” Losing just one hour of sleep out of eight, he says, knocks up to one point off a person’s IQ. After a week of too-little sleep, people could be temporarily dumber by up to 15 IQ points, he says. For the average (IQ 100) person, a drop to 85 means they’re “borderline retarded”. (Reuters) …Aw, that’s nothing to lose sleep over.

THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY: Despite decades of clear warnings and obvious evidence, most smokers don’t believe their habit gives them an increased risk of health problems. According to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, only 29 percent of smokers understood their increased risk of having a heart attack, and just 40 percent believed they had a higher risk of cancer. “The problem with ‘They know that it’s dangerous’ is now we’re hearing that everything is dangerous — pesticides, plastics, cell phones, NutraSweet, gasoline, the insidious chemicals in our water and air,” said Dr. Gilbert L. Ross, medical director of the American Council on Science and Health. (AP) …If the public knows no difference between the “risk” of drinking water and the “risk” of drinking pesticides, science has failed.

YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY: “Breathtaking naked body” panted the caption for a photo of a 16-year-old boy, shown waist-up on the cover of Japan’s 650,000-circulation Shukan Josei (Women’s Weekly). The magazine says they received no complaints about the photo, and indeed “we have rather received requests to show beautiful boys more often,” said chief editor Osamu Asoshina. “Young, good-looking boys rather than sturdy men are drawing popularity from women,” Asoshina said. “As women grow stronger, they are looking to men as pets.” (AFP) …Sexual equality: treating everyone badly no matter what their gender.

POLITICS IS A DIRTY JOB: Steve Windom, Alabama’s new lieutenant governor, is relieved that the state Senate is out of session. Actually, he was plenty relieved during the session. The Republican felt he could not leave the chamber as long as the Senate was in session or he might lose the upper hand in a power struggle with Democratic senators. “They won’t even let me recess to go to the restroom,” he complained to reporters during the siege. The session lasted for nearly three days, during which time Windom used a water pitcher to answer the urgent calls of nature. When his opponents finally gave up, the Lt. Governor told a radio station that his new position “takes guts — and a bladder of steel.” (Reuters) …And watching him preside over the Senate takes a stomach of steel.

WHOPPER: A bomb hidden in a restroom at a McDonald’s restaurant in Istanbul, Turkey, caused moderate damage but no injuries, authorities say. Earlier, a bomb in a Burger King restaurant in Istanbul was found before it went off. (AP) …Conclusion: McDonald’s doesn’t clean its restrooms as often as Burger King does.

HIS FACE RINGS A BELL: Romance novel cover boy Fabio is OK after being injured on a roller coaster at Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Va. The akimbo Adonis, making a public appearance to inaugurate the new ride, was hit in the face by a bird while being the first to ride the coaster. When the train came to a halt, he was covered with blood from a gash on his face. When told of the incident, a spokeswoman for Fabio’s publisher reacted, “Oh my God! Think if his mouth was open!” (Reuters) …That’s the secret to his success: he never opens his mouth.

HOW NATURE KEEPS IN BALANCE: “Spanish Entrepreneur Offers Siestas” — AP headline; “Mexico Does Away With Siesta Break” — AP headline later the same day

THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Gary Morton. Not merely the second husband of redhead comedian Lucille Ball (after she divorced Desi Arnaz), Morton was a talented comic in his own right, working as a stand-up entertainer at nightclubs in New York, Miami, Chicago, Las Vegas and the “Borscht Belt”. Lucy (who died in 1989) brought him to Hollywood and he had another full career in television, not only as an actor but also as executive producer and audience warm-up comedian of her post-”I Love Lucy” shows: “The Lucy Show” (1962-1968), “Here’s Lucy” (1968-1974) and the brief “Life With Lucy” (1986). Morton died March 30 in Rancho Mirage, Calif., from lung cancer.

Real Court Transcripts

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.

Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.