THIS is TRUE by Randy Cassingham
A weekly column of oddities from around the world

COME SEE THE ROUGHER SIDE OF SEARS: Diana Mey got a phone call from Sears, Roebuck & Co. wanting to know if she wanted to buy siding for her house. She said no. She kept saying no to them over a 16-month period as the retailer called again and again. According to federal law, a telemarketer must stop calling when asked, but she says they would not stop. Mey recorded some of the calls — legal in her home state of Virginia — as evidence, then filed a $5,000 lawsuit against the company for their continual illegal calls. Rather than apologize or pay, Sears filed a $10,000 countersuit charging wiretapping over the recordings. After Mey got a lawyer involved, Sears dropped the suit and settled for an undisclosed amount. (AP) …”No” — what companies are allowed to say but lawyerless customers are not.

CLUNKER BUNKER: The Reichert family of Battle Creek, Mich., says that when the city tore down an abandoned house, they damaged their family bomb shelter next door. The underground shelter, built in 1958 at a cost of $80,000, was heavily damaged, they say. Their attorney says the Reicherts now “have nowhere to go to survive” in case of nuclear attack or any other “type of situation,” and may file a lawsuit if the city doesn’t pay $6 million in damages. (UPI) …If the shelter couldn’t handle a bulldozer driving over it, how much good could it have been in a nuclear attack?

IT’S HARD TO GET A DESCRIPTION WHEN YOU CAN’T STAND TO PEEK: Police in Phoenix, Ariz., are looking for a “very ugly woman” after a series of bank robberies. That’s the best description they have. “She’s been described by every victim who has seen her as a very ugly woman,” says police Sgt. John Van Reusen. “It’s kind of insulting, but maybe that will tick her off — maybe she’ll call me.” On the other hand, he says, “we haven’t eliminated the possibility that it could be an ugly man posing as an ugly woman. You never can tell.” (Reuters) …Actually, you can tell, but who wants to look?

HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT: Houston, Texas, police had a tip that a man they wanted in a stabbing case was in Louisiana, and called authorities there on the phone. “My partner gave the officer a description of Johnson and the officer laughed and said, ‘I think he’s on TV right now’,” Houston homicide detective Brian Harris said. Sure enough, at that moment Willie Johnson was on a “Jerry Springer Show” about drag queens. Officers in Louisiana found him at a relative’s house watching the previously videotaped show and arrested him. (AP) …Strangely, Houston Police has admitted the tip came from the “Jenny Jones Show”.

THIS IS A STICK-UP: Stanley Heiserman, 41, has pleaded guilty to six counts of robbery. Police in Allentown, Pa., dubbed him “The Naked Bandit” since most of his string of robberies were committed in the nude. During one of the holdups, the clerks at a mini-mart “handed over the money before bursting into laughter as he left.” James Anthony of the Lehigh County District Attorney’s Office called the disguise “nuts. His logic was that the last time he did some robberies, he had clothes on and was identified by his clothes.” (Reuters) …Apparently this time he was identified by his shortcomings.

NOT COVERED BY HMOs: A controlled study by the Neuropsychiatric Institute at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that placebos worked nearly as well as Prozac in treating depression. Study lead Dr. Andrew F. Leuchter said the results “might give clues for developing new therapies.” (AP) …Such as the use of stronger placebos.

HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW? Mohamed Al Fayed, owner of the venerable Harrods department store in London, says when he dies he wants to be cloned “so that he can come back and haunt the political establishment.” Further, he intends to have his original body mummified in order to spend eternity in a coffin on top of the store. When asked about the mummy idea, a store spokesman said Al Fayed was “probably serious.” (Reuters) …”How to tell when someone has too much money” — part 762 of a long series.

EQUAL TIME: A vice-principal at Panorama Middle School in Colorado Springs, Colo., lectured eight 12-year-old girls for nearly two hours “on the evils of witchcraft” after the girls were accused of “casting spells” on classmates. “We had received concerns from students and parents,” claims school principal Rich Hayes, who “said that [the sixth graders] were going to cast a spell on them. And, they were reading books about witchcraft.” The girls admit to reading “Salem’s Trial”, which they had checked out from the school library. Some of the girls’ parents are considering legal action. (Denver Post) …If they found a Bible and prayed over fellow students, would they get a two-hour lecture “on the evils of Christianity”?

THE ANTI-PROPOSITION PROPOSITION: Laura Onate-Palacios, 52, is working to get a proposition on California’s ballot to make marital infidelity a crime. Adulterers would be required to make a public apology and pay for their spouse’s therapy under the proposed law. “If this goes, [potential adulterers] are going to be thinking twice about it,” Onate- Palacios says. But she has not told her husband of six years about her proposed new law. “I have plans to tell him. But how am I going to tell him? He’ll say, ‘You’re crazy’,” she told reporters. (AP) …And she probably expects him to pay for her therapy.

ENDANGERED SPECIES: “Woman Uses Breasts as Bird’s Nest” — Reuters headline

MY EXPERIMENT WITH soliciting your complaints (any and all) was fairly interesting. I had said that despite sometimes trying to provoke comments, I’ve been getting few lately, and “surely not everyone is perfectly happy?!” Only 26 messages came into the special address (complaints@thisistrue.com — still open, if you have something you want to say), and the vast majority didn’t actually have a complaint in them. (E.g., Ken in Northern California said “Perhaps people aren’t complaining because you put out a quality product. Free distribution to 169 countries and paid distribution in 36 speaks volumes. I’m proud to have my paid subscription.” Dennis in Southern California put the subject “I didn’t get a harumph outa that guy” on his, which got a big laugh out of me — it’s a “Blazing Saddles” reference, one of my favorite movies since it’s so very, very anti-”Politically Correct”. He took tongue-in-cheek issue with my solicitation, advising “This is the millennium!! How can you keep your victim status if you solicit complaints? Your approach should be: ‘I’m doing the best I can…you have to respect my personhood…and care about me’.” — i.e., he didn’t really have a complaint either, though I enjoyed the message.)

BUT THERE WERE, in fact, a few actual complaints. Several called for more stories each week, though I don’t think I’ll be able to quite do that. *However*, sometimes I have an extra story that I write, but pull out because I don’t think it’s good enough. It’s replaced with a new one, but I don’t throw away the pulled stories; they are set aside, revisited later and, if not thrown away after due consideration and/or rework, they go into the book for that year when it’s published. And there are more weird headlines than I could ever use at the rate of one per week, so there’s a big section of those in the books too. So I will try to send a now-and-then “extra” edition to the Premium list of those stories and headlines (and isn’t THAT ironic: The Internet Brings Back the “EXTRA!”)

THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Christopher Cockerell. In 1955, while working to reduce the friction between a boat’s hull and the water it traveled through, Cockerell came up with the idea of the hovercraft. His first model was made out of tin cans powered by a vacuum cleaner, and floated effortlessly over water and hard ground alike. The British government rewarded his idea by classifying it “secret”, but didn’t fund further development until they found out a team in Switzerland was working on a similar idea. He was knighted in 1969, but the government paid him only 150,000 pounds for his concept, and then only after a lengthy fight. Sir Christopher Cockerell died in Southampton, England, at age 88 on June 1, the 40th anniversary of the launch of the first civilian hovercraft, which crossed the English Channel in just 20 minutes.

Click Here To Read Last Week’s Edition….

Joke of the Week A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if he could buy some condoms. She noticed his discomfort, and decided to have some fun. “What size do you need?” she asked. “I’m not really sure,” said the shy man. The girl explained that condoms come in three sizes. “There are three holes in the fence out back which we use for determining your true size. Go out back and give it a try.” So, the man went out back and put his ‘tool’ into the first hole in the fence. The girl was on the other side of the fence, and she proceeded to give him a handjob. Then, when he put his ‘tool’ into the second hole, she gave him a blowjob. Finally, when he put his ‘tool’ into the third hole, she turned around, removed her panties, and he entered her from behind. When he was finished, the girl appeared from the other side of the fence and asked, “So, what size do you need?” He replied, “I’ve decided not to buy any condoms, but I’ll take eight feet of that fence!”

Real Court Transcripts

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Fan Letter Of The Week:

A message from “Forex”

I have you dressed in a tight, black sports bra, leather miniskirt, and knee high boots, nothing else. Your hair is braided down your back. I walk over to you, put my hand up your skirt, and start rubbing your newly shaved pussy. You bite your bottom lip, both embarrassed and excited by me doing it. Your pussy starts to get wet as I slowly run my finger along your pussy lips. As you start to get wet, you gasp a little and start to follow the rhythm of my stroking. I get hard watching you ride my finger and decide to slide it inside of you. You tense at the sudden intrusion and close your eyes, biting your lip again. I slide it in slowly, then move it around the sides of your cunt. Your hips move with every rotation of my finger. I like the fact I can control you so easy. I take my hand away from you and put my finger with your juices on it in front of your face. I smear the juices on your mouth and lips. You simply looking at me, panting a little from your heated pussy. Your mouth lips are coated in your cunt juice. I tell you to lick your lips. You hesitate. I give you a smart slap across the face and tell you to do it again. Your tongue snakes out of your mouth and licks your lips, tasting yourself on them. I smile. I walk over to the stereo and put a song on. I tell you to dance to it, move your body to the music. I tell you to feel your body while you do it, as if you were making love to yourself. You start off slowly, unsure, but soon you lock into the groove of it and sway slowly. Your hands slide up and down your body. You twist and snap your body in time with the music. Your hands run over your breasts and stop between your legs. You turn and bend, your body a living instrument of hidden passion. When the song is over, I’m more than ready to continue with the night. I tell you to lift your skirt and play with yourself while I watch. You do, almost shyly. Your excitement at this point is winning over your fear of what’s happening. Your fingers slide over your pussy, wet and slick due to the lack of pubic hair. You spread your lips and your fingers run over your clit. You keep one finger there, circling around the hard little nub that feels so good. You start to whimper and moan as you do it. I tell you to lick your fingers clean. You look up at me, timid from the memory of my slap, and hesitantly start to lick and suck on your own juices again. Without even touching you, I can degrade you by making you do it to yourself. You are truly a slut in the making. I walk over to you and give you another slap across your face for not obeying quicker. I then put a pair of handcuffs on you from behind. I walk around in front of you and start to feel and squeeze your tits. The very feel of the soft firmness of your breasts almost makes me cum right then and there. I take one in each hand, now grabbing on them hard, making you whimper in pain. You try to pull away and I slap you again, telling you not to move. You look up at me with pleading eyes, but you’ll get no mercy from me. I take you by the arm and lead you to another room, where a woman is sitting dressed just like you. I have you stand in front of her, then hit the back of your knee with a riding crop so you instinctively kneel. You find yourself face to face with her pussy only inches away. You shake your head, saying “No, Never!” I push your face right into her cleanly shaven pussy. You try to fight, get away, put I hit your ass with the riding crop, stinging your tender ass. You scream out in pain, momentarily forgetting anything else but the feeling of your asscheeks. At that moment, the other woman pushes your mouth onto her pussy, holding your head there by clamping her things around it and putting her hands in back of it. You try to keep your tongue from touching her wet cunt, anxious for you to taste it. She holds you there firmly, grinding her crotch onto your face. Another cracking of the crop across your ass and you end up tasting another woman’s cunt fore the first time in your life. “Lick it, bitch. Lick it like it were your own,” I tell you! . I keep slapping your ass with the crop until the other woman says you’re doing it. Your tongue traces along the outside of her lips, spreading them to dive deeper. She gasps and thrusts onto your face even more. You try not to gag as you do it, humiliated and degraded to be used this way. Forced to suck another woman’s cunt. I get so hot watching it, I get behind you, kneeling, and lower my pants. My cock is rock hard, hot and ready to fuck. But instead of your pussy, I spread your asscheeks and put the head of my cock at the entrance of your anus. You feel my twitching cock head at your asshole and freeze. Fear overcomes you, despite what you’re doing. You try to squirm, fight, get away, but between your head trapped in the woman’s thighs and hands, your hands cuffed behind your back, me holding firmly onto your hips, and you on your knees, you have no chance of escape. I slowly enter you, loving the feel of your tight, virgin asshole. The feeling of intense burning in your ass makes you scream into the pussy you’re eating. The fact your first ass fuck will be a dry one excites me even more as I try to go deeper into you. Your body involuntarily reacts to this new intrusion and you tremble all over. You also notice your pussy tingling again and starting to get wet, in spite of yourself. Every move I make in your asshole sends your body into convulsions. When I’m in all the way, I slowly pull out. The sensations are even more intense. Your juices are starting to run down the inside of your thighs. After a long while of this, you get used to the feeling. You also lick and suck on the other woman’s pussy with less force needed. The only thing on your mind right now is getting off. Your cunt is on fire and hasn’t been touched in over a half hour. The woman tells me she feels like coming. Now it’s time for you to explode. I slide my hands from your hips to between your legs, where I almost think I’ll burn my hand touching you there. You moan like a wounded animal as I touch your neglected hot spot. I start rubbing at your pussy at the same time I start ramming into your asshole hard. Your mind is a burst of pure white energy, and your tongue is fucking the woman’s cunt better than any dick could. Then, in a flash, your whole body goes into wave after wave of multiple orgasms. You ride my dick like a bitch in heat until I shoot out load after load of cum into your tight little asshole. The woman explodes on your mouth, making you taste and swallow her juices whole. I still rub your pussy hard, getting you off again and again, and me getting off on the feeling of your asshole spasming around my dick. When we’re finished, you collapse on the floor and sleep for a few hours, exhausted from your ordeal. I smile to myself, knowing I’ll make you a perfect bitch-slut by the time I’m finished with you.