THIS is TRUE by Randy Cassingham
A weekly column of oddities from around the world

WHY THEY CALL IT A “TRAP DOOR”: Police in Utrecht, the Netherlands, responding to a burglar alarm at a school found nothing, but employees carefully locked all the doors in the building. Sure enough, a man was hiding in a crawl space under the floor — and found himself locked in. For two days. A security guard finally found him, and provided a long drink of water before letting him go home. Meanwhile, the manager of Ruby’s Pizzeria in Deerfield Beach, Fla., found a man in the grill vent, where he had been stuck for 20 hours. A rescue crew had to pour grease on him to slide him out. The unidentified man told police he was just looking for a place to sleep. (AP, Reuters) …Nearly for eternity.

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN: A wild monkey ran amuck in the “posh” Azabu district in Tokyo, Japan, for months, eluding authorities who tried to catch it. News coverage showed police trying to throw a net over it, and warned people that the monkey could bite. But the macaque met its match when it invaded the American Club. A pool attendant saw it and lured it into an office, locked it in, and called the zoo for help, bringing the months-long ordeal to an end in just a few minutes. (AP) …No surprise: when it comes to monkey business, Americans are experts.

MR. MISSED MRS.: Nicklaas Amsterdam of Johannesburg, South Africa, recently celebrated his 112th birthday. Asked for the secret of his longevity, Amsterdam said it was all a matter of refusing to have sex. Ever. “I have never had a woman to give me a headache,” he said. (Reuters) …But without sex, what’s the point of living in the first place?

REAR VIEW MIRROR: Andrew Ebner, a volunteer firefighter heading home in his pickup truck after a nighttime fire call in Hagerstown, Md., saw a truck on his tail. That driver started shooting at him with a shotgun, puncturing his tailgate and blowing out his rear window. He knew he couldn’t outrun the truck, so he decided to stop and run on foot. Once he got out, the shooter was able to see him — and apologized, saying he was shooting at the wrong guy. Ebner says Kenneth Ramsburg even gave him his business card and offered to pay for the damage. Ramsburg then drove off and then, police say, found who he was looking for and shot that man in the leg. Apparently satisfied, he headed home, passing Ebner again — and two sheriff’s deputies taking his statement. The deputies chased him down and arrested him. Ramsburg is being held without bail for attempted murder and driving while intoxicated. (AP) …As if I can add anything to that.

PLEASE UNFASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS: A new study says once plane crash survivors get over their initial psychological distress, they end up in excellent mental health. In fact, “crash survivors actually scored lower on several standardized measures of emotional distress than the flyers who hadn’t been in an accident,” says Gary Capobianco of Old Dominion University in Virginia. Going with the flow when an aircraft you’re on cartwheels through a corn field helps, Capobianco says. “How the survivors perceived their level of control during the crash seemed to affect their future feelings of distress,” he said. “Flight crew survivors who believed they had control over events that may have led to or caused the crash reported less distress.” And, he says, some survivors were so mentally healthy that “Future research should focus on how experiencing a traumatic event can actually provide a positive benefit to or become a resource for a survivor.” (UPI) …Disneyland is right on it. Coming soon, “Carnage Mountain”.

REINVENTING PROPAGANDA: The “Reinventing Government” project, spearheaded by Vice President Al Gore, has not saved as much money as Gore claims, according to an audit by the General Accounting Office. The GAO says that $21.8 billion of a claimed $107 billion in savings logged over the last six years cannot be accounted for, in part because savings were counted twice, or the project took credit for cost savings from events they had nothing to do with, such as the end of the Cold War. A White House spokeswoman dismissed the GAO’s report, calling it “an arcane debate about accounting.” (AP) …Al says he was able to end the Cold War in his free time after inventing the Internet.

THIS WILL BE FUNNIER IF YOU READ IT AFTER MIDNIGHT: A hot topic in nutrition research these days is figuring out why some people can’t seem to lose weight. Psychologist Timothy Osberg of Niagara University in New York has part of the answer: some people have “irrational beliefs” about nutrition, he finds. For instance, his surveys find that some people actually believe that foods like ice cream have no calories when eaten standing up, that not eating desserts can be dangerous to health, or that anything eaten with your eyes shut “doesn’t count”. Osberg says his studies show the more such strange beliefs people hold, the more likely that they are obese or have failed to lose weight on diets they have tried. (UPI) …The question isn’t so much are they fooling themselves as are they fooling the researchers?

CHARGE IT: As students head back to college this fall, they’re being greeted by …credit card applications. Banks view students as a good risk since if they get over-extended, parents will step in. Plus, studies have found, getting consumers into the fold while they’re young become loyal, long-time cardholders. “You give a college kid a credit card and 15 years later they still have that credit card,” said an industry expert. (AP) …And the debt they ran up on it.

SOMETIME, WHEN THEY GET AROUND TO IT: “Scottish Scientists Plan Search For Laziness Gene” — Reuters headline

THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to W. Eugene Giberson. The former head of flight projects at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., Giberson was there from the start: he helped create a tracking station for the 1958 launch of Explorer 1, the first U.S. satellite, and confirmed that the tiny probe reached orbit. In the 1960s, he was the project manager of the Surveyor program, which made soft landings on the moon in preparation for the arrival of the Apollo astronauts. In the 1970s, he managed Mariner Venus/Mercury project, the first spacecraft to visit two planets, and the Seasat mission that studied the oceans of Earth. In the 1980s, he was assistant Laboratory director for space flight projects and oversaw all of JPL’s space missions. He retired in 1990. W.E. “Gene” Giberson died August 31 of cancer. He was 76.

Joke of the Week
After taking a job at a local rodeo as a stunt clown, a little midget begins complaining to his buddy about an aching in his groin. “That sounds like it could be something serious, I’d get it checked out quick if it were me” his buddy said. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor & told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble.

The doc put one finger under his left ball and told the midget to cough, which he dig.

“Ah! Ah!” mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did.

“Ah! Ah!” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his pants & see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc’s office and his balls were not aching.

“What did you do Doc?” he asked. The doc replied… “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!!”

FAN LETTER OF THE WEEK:

Hello Kiko,

I’ve been waiting here for you my precious. My intentions are clear. I want you. The days melt into nights as I wait here for you. Oh the things I will do. You are aware of my yearnings, desires. I will caress your long flowing hair. I will kiss the small of your back as I run my fingers along your spine. My tongue will trace a path to your mouth as my hands massage your nipples to erection.

My intentions are clear. I will entice you. A silk scarf will cover your eyes. You are clearly mine. Entirely undressed your body glows beneath the soft moonlight. I place you on the bed, now we begin. Gently with my lips I will kiss your entire body. You are aroused at what you can’t see. My hands find your thighs willing your legs to part. They do. I run my fingers along the inside of each leg, from top of your thigh to your ankle.

Your heart flutters as your body moves, you can hardly contain yourself. Moving to the end of the bed I grab each ankle in my warm hands, and raise them to eye level. You bite your lower lip not knowing what will happen next. I gently and ever so slowly place a toe in my mouth working my tongue and stimulating feelings you’ve never before felt. I lower one leg to the bed. With the other in my hands I begin to slowly, methodically running my tongue down the back of your leg, stopping half way and gently kissing the warm flesh. Reaching the very inside of your thigh I begin to bite, not viscously but erotically. You can’t contain yourself, your breathing quickens, your muscles tense, you want me. You grab the back of my head and thrust my face between your legs. I work my mouth with anticipation of your climax.

Your pelvis grinds, as your body shakes, your almost there. You want to say my name but you can’t. You can hardly breathe. It’s almost there, every sense you have tingles. Every hair on your body stands on end. Your feel flush, you feel faint. The pace quickens, my tongue probes, my mouth clamps down on you. Your legs squeeze around my head. You thrust against my mouth. You climax, your whole body tightens you can’t move.

Slowly each muscle relaxes, your breathing, still fast, but it to is slowing down. You release you fingers from my hair and start to caress your stomach, working your way to your breasts, your neck, your face. Finally resting them at your side. A slight sheen has covered your skin as your body releases water to cool itself. I crawl, kissing a path to your face. The scarf still covers your eyes. You feel my warm breath as I draw near. Tilting your head back you await my mouth. I place a hand on each side of your face. My passion is evident as we embrace and hold each other through through the night.

With love and enchantment, Mr.Howling.