SAFE WORDS

One unique aspect of BDSM is the creation of an agreement between dominant and submissive that the submissive will use a specific signal, usually a particular word, to signal that the play is becoming, or is already , too intense for them and that serious distress and/or damage is possible. BDSM folks usually call this a “safe word.” It’s also called a “key word” or a “stop word.”

By using a safe word, the submissive may yelp, wince, cry, plead for mercy, scream for the cops, threaten revenge, and so forth, and such behaviors need not overly concern the dominant. They are “part of the game.” But if the submissive utters their “safe word,” the dominant must respond, usually by stopping, decreasing, or changing the activity.

The basic safe word is one used to end the session completely. If the submissive (or dominant) calls this word, they completely end the session. A player should take such action only for serious cause.

Safe words are usually chosen from words not likely to come up in a session. Commonly used safe words include: “red,” “mercy,” “peace,” “key,” “safe,” enough,” and “easy.” Sometimes the dominant’s name is used. A generic safe word, often used at BDSM parties, is “safe word” itself. (Words like”harder” and “more” are poor choices for safe words.)

I cannot overemphasize the importance of always having a safe-word system in effect when you play. Some experienced players consider themselves so skilled, perceptive, and advanced that they don’t need such a “basic”safety measure. This is dangerous folly. Understand clearly: playing without a safe word will inevitably lead to serious problems. You may get away with playing without a safe word for a while, perhaps even a long while, but eventually some disaster will occur that a safe word would have prevented.

(It’s also my experience that submissive who have safe word are noticeably more likely to accept intense play than those who lack one.)

‘COLOR-CODED’ Safe Word Systems

The one-word system, while suitable as an absolute safety measure, is clumsy. It’s an all-or-nothing device, and a submissive often don’t want to go that far. Many players thus use a second safe word to signal, “The play is getting too intense for me. Let’s lighten up or rest for a while.” Players often use the word “yellow” for this purpose.

Ethical and practical considerations exist regarding safe words. They are our number-one safety measure. Treat them with proper respect. A dominant absolutely must honor a safe word. This even if the submissive calls the safe word on an unethical attempt to manipulate the session. A dominant must always honor a safe word-whatever the submissive’s motives.

Failure to honor a safe word is serious misconduct-perhaps the most serious misconduct- a dominant can commit. It would justify never playing with that person again, and justify ending your relationship with them altogether. Failure to honor a safe word also might be grounds for expulsion from an BDSM organization. The offending dominant would have to show why they should not be expelled, and they would face an uphill fight.

Also, continuing to whip or otherwise inflict pain on a submissive, or to keep them restrained after they’ve called a proper safe word, is a crime.

Another serious breach of ethics on the dominant’s part is to say or imply to a submissive, especially to a bound submissive, that maybe they don’t feel like honoring the safe words. This may destroy the submissive’s trust, and is grounds for the submissive to end the session immediately.

Don’t joke about safe words. Don’t imply that you won’t honor them. Even one such remark may permanently destroy the trust a submissive considers essential to play with you. If the submissive thinks you might not honor the safe words, why would she do a scene with you. They might then, particularly if they don’t know you well, decide not to test you on this point and end the session in the way that will most reliably remove them from danger- possibly by suddenly caving in your skull with a chain.

I heard of a dominant women who bound a novice submissive man and then told him that maybe she wouldn’t honor their safe words. When the session became too intense for him, he simply slipped out of his restraints (she wasn’t as good at bondage as she thought) and left. When she tried to stop him, he doubled her over with a kick to the stomach and almost smashed in her face with a pair of heavy leg irons.

Get clear and stay clear about this: a dominant who “jokes” about not honoring safe words get themselves killed.

For these reasons, the submissive must never call a safe word, especially “red” for frivolous or unethical reasons. On the other hand, a submissive shouldn’t wait until they are seconds away from a nervous breakdown before they call a safe word. Remember that it will take time to remove clamps, untie ropes, and so forth. The submissive might be carried beyond their limits and into trauma during that time. Don”t wait until the last instant to “bail out.” No heroics!

Also, when being submissive, don”t use your safe words to “top from below.” It’s not enough that you simply don’t like what’s going on. Safe words exist to protect you from serious damage. Never use them frivolously.

One characteristic of a good dominant is that while they always give their submissive safe words- the submissive rarely need to use them, especially “red.” As a submissive approaches their limits, a skilled dominant watches them closely. The submissive will typically become increasingly tense. Their breathing will become tighter and more labored. Their muscles will grow more rigid . A good dominant backs off before the submissive calls their safe word.

A wise dominant remembers that submissive’s sometimes forget there safe words. A wise dominant also remembers that submissive may feel too embarrassed to confess this. Therefore, they make sure a submissive remembers their safe words before another session with them. It’s also very smart for the dominant to make sure the submissive remembers their safe words before significantly increasing a session’s intensity- especially regarding pain.

A wise dominant knows that a submissive sometimes becomes so accepting of the dominant’s wishes or so “endorphined-out” by the session that calling their safe word will not occur to them. I know submissive who “go under” so deeply that they seen to leave their body. In such case, an unperceptive dominant could unknowingly cause severe damage because the submissive wouldn’t be “home” to object.

Also, dominants should remember hat some submissive want to be badly hurt. A few even want to be killed. Remember that just because a submissive does not appear close to calling their word is not enough grounds to inflict more pain. Even with consent, you must not (and legally cannot) cause severe injury.

Sometimes people use an additional safe word to signal,” Please, no more of that.” This signals that they want to continue the session, but they have a serious problem with a specific activity. “blue” is sometimes used as this signal.

Note: Some BDSM players use the term “911″ as an “emergency/stop immediately” safe word and the term “411″ as an “information/we need to talk”safe word. (Do they know that “611″ is the repair service number?)

Non-Verbal Safe Words

Players who use gags of similar devices obviously need non-verbal signals. Some such signals include vigorous nodding of the head “yes,” waving the foot in a particular pattern, snapping the fingers, grunting a certain way, or dropping something held in the hand. People who play in darkened rooms need audible signals.

One good non-verbal safe word is snapping the fingers. (This may not work if the submissive is on their back with their hands tied behind them.) Loud grunts are also possible for a gagged submissive. These work well, but a dominant might confuse them with a submissiveness moans. One workable pattern is that two grunts equal yellow and three grunts equal red.

A few clever submissives learn how to finger – spell the deaf-mute alphabet. If the dominant learns to read it ( the basics are easy), much communication becomes possible between the “silenced” submissive and the dominant.

Note : it’s common for a submissive to “test” a safe word during a session to make sure that the dominant will honor it in the future. This is particularly likely during their first session.

in summary, safe words are our number-one- safety precaution. Treat them with the respect they deserve and you put both yourself and your partner well in the way to satisfying BDSM play.