Consent

Consent is one of the most important, perhaps the most important issue, in BDSM. Before you can do something to another person, they must agree. Touching another person, or even their clothing, without their consent, regardless of the degree of strength used -even if it’s minimal-is a crime. Don’t do it!

People below the age of consent (which varies widely from state to state) cannot legally agree to participate in sex- and BDSM is definitely a form of sex. This could include tying someone or being tied by them. Avoid playing with those too young to consent, even if they request it. Say no.

Also, intoxicated persons cannot consent. If you give somebody drugs or alcohol to “short-circuit” their objections, all your doing is buying yourself a whole face full of trouble.

Finally, a person too feeble-minded or senile to understand what is happening cannot meaningfully consent. Again, having sex with them is illegal.

You might find it enlightening to go to the library and get a copy of your state’s penal code. You are expected to know what acts are illegal. Remember “ignorance of the law is no excuse.”

Don’t extort or manipulate consent. Don’t use unfair pressure to get it. Only accept freely given consent. Examples of unfairly gotten consent include the threat of withdrawing any type of support such as shelter-if the other person is not willing.

I know of one “dominant” who told his submissive they could refuse to obey, but if they did that ended their relationship. They had to pack and immediately leave. How contemptible! (This guy had a hard time keeping submissive. I can imagine why.)

Also, the approach of “If you really loved me, you’d do BDSM with me” is reprehensible, perhaps especially if you’re trying to persuade the other person to be submissive. If you really loved them you wouldn’t treat them in such an unfair way, and I hope they’re smart enough to realize that.

Informed consent includes an understanding about limits, time the session will last, safety measures, and what specific acts will or won’t occur.

A submissive has an ethical duty to offer themselves to the dominant on a good-faith way. They should not try to control the session or ” top from below,”as it’s called (more about that later) by placing unnecessary limits. A submissive should genuinely try to accept their dominant’s desires, unless they have a specific problem. Mere dislike or discomfort is usually not enough grounds to refuse. (While the dominant must always honor any refusal, even an “unjustified” one, they can also decide whether to play with an overly troublesome submissive again.)

A dominant always has an ethical duty to act with concern for the submissive’s well-being. They should never ask or demand anything from the submissive that would, in any way, seriously damage them. A Dominant may wish to take a submissive further than that submissive has previously gone (This is sometimes called “pushing limits.”) However, they must always do so with an understanding of how difficult that may be for the submissive. They also must understand that going too far may cause lasting damage to both the submissive and their relationship with them.

For many people (not all, not most, but many) BDSM offers a chance to experience some of the most intense sexuality that exists. Also, BDSM can and frequently does have spiritual, therapeutic, and other aspects. However, those who would try it must approach BDSM with caution, knowledge,skill,and an unwavering, absolute respect for their partner’s well-being.