Understanding about some elementary concepts of erotic power exchange is safety tip Number 1. If you understand negotiation, safe words and the difference between inequality and in equivalence you have taken the first steps on the safety ladder. But there is more to it. These concepts will also be your footholds in sometimes confusing times and situations.

Especially if you have been around on the Internet a little longer, you have probably seen the credo “There are no SOP’s (standard operating procedures) when it comes to erotic power exchange”. We have a different take on that. Of course every personal situation is different and people make their own, individual choices. They should! But, that doesn’t mean a few basics should not always be there, in every BDSM situation. Ignoring these frequently gets people in trouble – as well as confuses them, especially those, who are new to erotic power exchange.

So yes, we think there are such SOP’s and people should stick to them. In a highly individual and often confusing world people need footholds. Here they are:

Concept 1: Common sense

It may sound weird, but unfortunately some people enter into erotic power exchange and sometimes seem to forget they have it. Common sense will answer most of your questions. A scene may be heavy and sweep your feet off the ground. Still, although you may lose your head, don’t lose your brain in the process.

This is especially true BEFORE you enter into anything. One major problem – mainly due to the lack of education – is the fact that the erotic power exchange world is crowded with self-appointed experts, many of which will tell you they know what they are doing and especially if you are a novice – but it DOES happen to people with more experience as well – you may be inclined to believe them, simply because you are overwhelmed by the situation, the emotions and many other things. As soon as someone throws anything like “trust me….” at you, you are likely to be heading for trouble. And it is not just dominants doing that. The number of submissives who overestimate their own ability and the situation – or mix up fantasy and reality – is countless and quite a few doms – under the impression the sub knew about what he/she was proposing to do – got themselves in trouble as well.

It is true that it is not always easy to separate idiots from knowledgeable people and information from nonsense, since nonsense can often sound very reasonable. Which is why we like you to question everything. Your personal credo should best be: Trust But Verify or – as others like to put it – In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash. Meaning that there is nothing wrong with questioning what you are being told and forming your own opinion.

Sometimes this may require personal (maybe even physical) experimenting. For this reason experienced people will tell you that test sessions can be very useful. If you are unsure, try a test session, i.e. without the power dimensions and as a form of laboratory. For example, if both you have little or no experience with caning (each other), try one or two test strokes and see what happens – not as punishment, not as active play, just to get a feel (in more than one sense of the word) for what this is about.

Concept 2: Negotiation

The most important erotic power exchange concept is negotiation. Partners negotiate about their fantasies, feelings, needs, dreams, barriers and hidden desires. This is not the “if-I-give-this-I-get-that” type of negotiation. The objective is to exchange your feelings, barriers and fantasies in an open and honest way. Partners try to establish where they meet, how much common ground they can cover and what are absolute “no go” areas. In fact there is no other relationship that requires this much communication.

You talk about what you feel and what you experience before, after and in between scenes. NOT during a scene.
Negotiated/communicated barriers should be respected at all times. You may have doubts about whether a “DO” indeed is a do, you never question a “DON’T.” From a safety point of view: communication and negotiation prior to a scene will make sure you both understand what it is you want before you get into anything.

Structured erotic power exchange negotiation: The farm model

Not everybody is an expert-negotiator or communicator, especially not when it comes to your own inner most deep desires. Negotiation requires a bit of structure, which will make it easier for you and your (prospective) partner to talk about what you do and do not want. The Dutch BDSM Media Center years ago worked out a methodical approach for erotic negotiation, not surprisingly called the FARM-model. It is a five step sequence, that has proven to be very effective. Go through it step by step and you are likely to end up with very effective and successful negotiation:

1. What farm are we on?
Imagine the two of you will be farmers and your relationship is “the farm”. The first questions to answer are the very basics of this farm – will it be a strict role-oriented relationship or will we allow ourselves to switch roles for example? Will it a lifestyle-oriented relationship or will it be bedroom-only or just occasional kick?

2. What animals will have or what crop will we grow?
What “things” do we want in our relationship? Bondage, active role play, pain, mental or physical sadism or whatever. Important here is that you do not yet talk about what the two of you do NOT want.

3. What about the neighbors?
Will we share our emotions with others? Will we visit clubs and gatherings or keep it all to ourselves only? And what are the rules, when it comes to sharing things with others – will this be only talking and meeting or will we allow active play with others as well?

4. Where are the boundaries of the farm?
Where are our combined limits in general terms (for example, a full 24/7 total power exchange situation may require you to really think about the question if you want to have children, since these may not fit into such a relationship. Or, one of you may have to give up – part of – his/her job. Can your budget and career plans handle that?)

5. What animals and/or crops do not belong on our farm?
Only now we are getting to what individual partners do not want – i.e. no-cross barriers and absolute no go myriad of future “maybes”.

Concept 3: Shared and equal responsibility

Within a scene or even within a erotic power exchange relationship partners may choose to be unequal to each other, based on a free will and choice. This does not mean there is inequality of responsibility between the partners.

Both partners share an equal responsibility towards themselves and each other. This also applies to safety matters. Mis- or non-communication, withholding valuable information, not telling each other about any aspect of a scene or relationship may lead to mishap.

Submissives especially frequently have a tendency to place all responsibility on the dom’s shoulders. Not in the least by the way, because many dominants will at least assume they need to take all responsibility. Both assumptions are incorrect. All partners involved are responsible for and towards each other and both have an equal responsibility to make the relationship work. Frequently dominants will sooner or later simply crack up under an overdose of responsibility, which leads to stage fright

Concept 4: Safewords

A safeword is your emergency break when “in scene.” Safewords can be used by doms and subs at any moment anything gets too tough, too scary, just annoying or for whatever other reason. Since standard words like “stop” or “no” in a steamy erotic scene may have a different meaning, safewords will usually be words or expressions that do not fit into an erotic scene.

Many people usually use two safewords. One meaning “slow down” or “time out” and another meaning “full stop immediately”. A system is to use the colors of a traffic light: “green” for “please go on,” “yellow” for “slow down, and “red” for “full stop”.

Not everyone uses safewords; people who know each other well enough usually don’t need them anymore. Others – this is called “edge-play” – do not want to have a way out. If you are a novice – and especially when playing with someone you know don’t very well – establishing and using safewords is advised. Safewords, like barriers, should be respected at all times.

Other systems – used for example when gags are in play – are giving the submissive a bell to ring or a ball to drop as a safety signal, or – if nothing else works – humming SOS in morse code (hum … hum … hum ….. hhuuuummm …. hhuuuummm …. hhuuuummm …. hum … hum … hum).

Whatever your situation, the general advice is to establish safewords, especially if either you yourself or both of you are either new to BDSM or new to each other!

Concept 5: The freedom of choice

Erotic power exchange is based on mutual agreement to whatever it is you would like to do. If one of the partners, for whatever reason, feels that he or she should not get into something, DON’T DO IT. Even if somebody else tells you it is perfectly safe, even if others do what does not feel good to you or does not appeal to you. You are the master of your own fantasies and best equipped to judge about your feelings and emotions and there is no difference between being of a dominant or submissive nature in this area.

The above article is a reprint from our information/educational site Kink Culture.
A joint project between Wasteland.Com and Power Erotics