Commentaries from the Dungeon Master of Blackthorne Manor, where any who seek ritual pain, rare exotic pleasures, or cathartic punishment will find a Welcome. The entire household of the Earl from the Lady Eleanor to the scullery maids, are devoted to pleasure, healing and enlightenment through the corporeal arts.
Last time we talked about the exploration of kinky interests within the context of a developing sexual relationship. Well, it doesn’t always start out quite that way.
There was a young woman here in the dungeon last week. Wendy, her name was. She’d met this girl at work, and managed to get the old bondage and flogging thing into the conversation, successfully enough that sheand Genevieve ended up at one of our Friday night get-togethers. Well, one thing led to another and soon Gen made it past the shocked fascination stage and just wanted to get naked and get going. Funny how often that happens to even the most strait-laced. Anyway, now they had a problem. Gen had no idea what she wanted, exactly, so the two of them just started playing around with toys and equipment.
Now I’m sure that you’ve been to parties and heard the following classic conversation.
Bottom: ” Ow! Shit! Ow, Ow – fuck you!”
Top: “That’s ‘fuck you, SIR’”!
Bottom: “Yes, Sir, thank you, Sir, fuck you, SIR”!
A boundary has been reached, communicated and dealt with. The Bottom is reassured that the Top is still in control, the Top is reassured that the Bottom can communicate their limits and still stay in scene.
You’ve probably heard this one more often, though.
Bottom: “Ow – that hurt!”
Top: “What?”
Bottom: “Nothing, just, that was a bit too much”
Top: “I thought you wanted me to spank you.”
Bottom: “Yes, I do, just not so hard “
Top: (Now unsure of themselves, spanks again) “Um, ok?”
Bottom: “Well you can go a bit harder than that!”
Top: “Look, let’s go and get something to drink, shall we?” (End of scene, frosty drive home!)
Wendy and Gen were about three lines into this dialog when they decided that they’d better get some help. We all sat down in the anteroom and talked about the basics of negotiation a scene, beforehand and during, in a way that doesn’t distract from the either the Top or Bottom space. Asking what someone expects, rather than what they want is a good way to get off the ground with a first-timer. They may never have been spanked before, and would probably say no to a direct offer of a good OTK session. Ask them how they expect the scene to make them feel, and they may say something like – “I want not to be in control, but don’t hurt me”. That’s your cue to tie them up and give lots of non-painful stimulation, more in the nature of foreplay. They may well end up wanting you to get them off, and now you can smack them to see how they react as part of the Grande Finale. Next time they’ll ask for the spanking! Another possible answer is “if you want me to do anything you’ll have to make me!” “OK, but I promise not to hurt you”. “I don’t care!” Here’s your invitation to go to town. This gets into the area of consensual non-consensuality and is guaranteed to draw an audience! The subject of another chat, perhaps.
With the basics in place you can go and check out the equipment. Wendy’s first suggestion was met with outright refusal. She let it drop, and was rewarded shortly after with a “well, ok then”! Smart girl. Often the degree of fascination with something new is directly proportional to the level of fear it creates. Checking back a little later, Gen was getting nicely turned on, riding the endorphin high from the persistent, erotic, just-on-the-edge stimulation Wendy was giving her. Wendy got a carried away a bit and went one-too-many with the flogger on Gen’s backside. “No. Too much”. Wendy just said “OK” in a reassuring voice, and carried on with the flogging, moving up to Gen’s shoulders. It was soon obvious from the mounting tension in her body that Gen had had enough, and that it was time to stop and go back to soothing and petting. Now conventionally this sort of communication is handled with safewords and the like. “Red”, “Amber”, “Rutabaga” and so on. Even just “Safeword”. It’s a good convention to assign “party safewords” at gatherings of players of differing and perhaps unknown abilities. Safewords may also make a couple new to the scene feel more secure, more responsible. However Safewords do not excuse the Top/Dom from being able to anticipate when a safeword or caution might be used, before it is needed. This level of empathy also helps with the rather self-destructive bottoms who will endure anything out of pride rather than communicate that they are in distress. A knowledgeable top will stop before the hysteria sets in. Another variant is the bottom who will suffer beyond their limits because they are so determined to please. Give this person a break and a happy ending by understanding where they are coming from, (and there are often clues such as “.. anything you want, Master”), stopping early, and awarding lavish praise for being such a good girl.
The Top also has a responsibility to be clear about their limits, too. Just because you are eager to play with someone, don’t get caught in the trap of promising something you can’t deliver. Own up and say you don’t know how to do needle play properly and safely. Don’t have a go, and then pass out with your submissive all tied up with a hypodermic halfway through her nipple! It’s annoying for her and humiliating for you. Which reminds me of another story, but that will have to wait.
Until the next time,
Spanks and Smiles,
Simon Blackthorn,
Dungeon Master, Blackthorn Manor.