Each party, munch, gathering or BDSM venue usually has its own rules. However, there are quite a few general rules and not all of them are that obvious. So, here is the guide to attending public BDSM events. It will prevent you from making obvious and less obvious mistakes.

Munches
First of all, you have to be aware of where exactly you are going. Munches for example are very different from all other BDSM-related gatherings, so let’s start with these.

A “munch” (originally called “burger munch”) is a gathering of BDSM-people in a public place. Usually a restaurant. The idea is to provide a non-threatening, low threshold meeting place where people can meet others to talk, find information and exchange ideas, usually over a bite to eat. As a result, since the meeting place will be a public one, BDSM clothing and gear is out of the question and so is a lot of BDSM behavior. No slaves kneeling on the floor, no nudity and no dom/sub specific language for example. Bear in mind that you will be among the general public.

Also, a munch is usually especially created to provide a female-friendly environment, so “hunting” or “trolling” (i.e. partner search) is not an option, nor is trying to monopolize someone, be it dominant or submissive. Munches are informative gatherings where people can actually meet like minded others and share ideas in a safe environment without the pressure of active play going on or even people in outfits. Munches are excellent starting ground for those, who are new to the public BDSM-scene.

Dresscodes
Almost all other BDSM-events will have dresscodes. While an increasing number of BDSM-people prefers a no-dresscode policy, it is unlikely this will disappear, since there are good reasons for using dresscodes.

What is a dress code? Well, it is nothing else but telling people that there is a proper way to dress for this event. Just like this: you are probably not going to a baseball match in your tuxedo. For similar reasons you do not show up at the door of a BDSM-party in sneakers and jeans. Unfortunately, there are a lot of misconceptions about dresscodes.

Nudity: Nudity is far from generally appreciated in the BDSM-scene. In fact, probably the opposite is true. While it may be tolerated, it certainly does not make everyone happy. As a minimum nudity should be restricted to play-areas (we’ll explain about those) in venues but be aware that hardly anybody appreciates a pair of naked breasts on the bar next to him or her, while he or she is having a social talk with friends. So, unless you are in an active play situation: cover up!

Outfits: You do not have to wear a slutty rubber miniskirt or leather trousers. As a rule of thumb most BDSM parties and venues will accept black dresses and these can be off the shelf black trousers and a black (T)shirt. Not everyone is into black, not everyone is into latex, or rubber, or leather. However, if your particular fancy – as far as outfits is concerned – is a little left or right of the middle of the road (for example is the two of you prefer Asian kimonos) it might be a good idea to check in advance if that is acceptable at that particular party. If not, compromise and dress in plain black. Oh, and by the way: your bare skin is NOT an outfit!

Specific BDSM dresscodes have a reason. It helps keeping out the wannabees and voyeurs and it enhances the “bdsm look and feel” of the party or gathering. Plus, BDSM is kind of special to everyone. By dressing up you both show it is special to you and you emphasize that you understand it is special for everyone else as well. Hence an evening dress, or in fact a tuxedo, may also be a very good choice.

Aesthetics: This is tough subject, yet one to consider carefully. People’s bodies are very different and what is appreciated by one, may very well look horrible to someone else. If you are a BBW, do NOT try and squeeze yourself into a tight fitting latex skirt. You will only make a fool of yourself and it really does not look sexy. Your motorbike trousers may be leather, they are NOT a BDSM outfit. Remember you are going to a party, hence dress like you would for any other classy party and just because some dress is made out of leather or latex, that does not make it BDSM, sexy or classy.

Standard rules
Almost all parties and gatherings, as well as individual venues, have rules and many of them are pretty standard. This is what most of them will roughly look like:

Behavior outside the venue: Do not confront the general public with things, they do not want to see. Keep it down on outfits and BDSM-behavior in the parking lot. Reserve that for inside. If your outfit is very explicit, dress up inside (most venues will offer facilities to do so). Upon leaving, don’t honk and keep it down on noise in general. Other people will want to sleep.

No cameras! Never bring a camera of any kind, not even if you “only” plan to make pictures of the two of you. Bear in mind that others may have reputations or jobs at risk and that it will scare the living daylights out of many, if they even spot a camera.

Active play belongs in the play area! Almost all parties and gatherings will have one or more designated play areas. Restrict active play to these areas ONLY. The rest of the venue is reserved for social contact and do not invade other people’s privacy, for example by folding your sub over a bar stool to spank her. People hate that and will hate you for doing it. It only shows disrespect to others. Nudity is considered active play, hence should be restricted to the play area!

No unprotected penetration. Active sex does not belong in a public place, so usually active sex (unless maybe if there is a darkroom available) is hardly ever an option. If and when you penetrate with toys during active play, always use condoms and gloves, for your own safety as well as that of others.
Dungeon Masters/Monitors We will explain about dungeon masters (the more modern word is “dungeon monitor”) elsewhere in this section. He or she is first and foremost responsible for your and everybody else’s well being. Suffice to state here that a dungeon master IS the party boss and that you should follow his or her guidance. And yes, subs can be dungeon masters as well. Ignoring their guidance will usually get you thrown out.

Public safety

For good safety reasons most parties and venues do not allow drinking, smoking or glass in the play area. Dungeon masters may want to check out your equipment, again for safety reasons.

Be polite and modest! If you are allowed to watch other people play, do not press your nose onto their bodies. Maintain a respectful distance, do not interfere, do not comment and show respect. Don’t talk when watching a scene. Please also do not throw yourself on others, you will only make an idiot of yourself.

The above article is a reprint from our information/educational site Kink Culture.
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