… and never the twain shall meet? …There is definitely a trend on the Internet – the constant discussion about which is better: a real life relationship or what is generally known as an on-line relationship; in other words people having some form of cyber erotic power exchange, which usually comes down to scening via chatboxes, sending e-mails, using webcams and such. And – most importantly one fighting the other over the question whether or not such a cyber-relationship may truly be called a relationship.

It is truly amazing to see how history repeats itself and the “Internet BDSM community” (if such a thing exists at all) going through all the growing pains the “Real/life BDSM community” (same comment) has gone through – and sometimes still is – 25 years ago. Some of that no doubt has to do with the fact that the Internet brings about an entire – and much larger – new influx of people interested in the subject. As a result of this new influx all the “hear say information”, rumors, hoaxes, “I-think-it-is-like-this”, my kink is the kink seem to be bouncing back at those of us who have been around a bit longer.

Before I go into that a bit bit deeper – the most amazing thing is to see happen what happened two decades ago in let’s say less BDSM-challenged countries: people flaming doms for being dominant. More outspoken doms – when for example taking part in a discussion list – every now and then receive private e-mail accusing them of having a dominant character. Even more interesting, such e-mails are usually written by …… other doms. And these dominants – the ones writing the e-mails – are very likely to be on-line doms. Why, well easy – they usually have never been in contact with other dominants before. At least not in an erotic power exchange context.

Very little subs will “accuse” a dominant of being dominant. They may disagree, fair enough And let’s face it: accusing a dom of being dom is blaming the cow for producing steaks and milk.

Subs have a great advantage here. One obviously can hardly be “too subby”, even though that is exactly one of the things the real life people are trying to say to the on-line community. They think people can be “too subby” (more below). Back to dominants. It actually took quite a while before the real life world figured out that dominants will usually be dominant (strange isn’t it) and they are likely to display some dominant character aspects in other areas than erotic power exchange as well. And well, you can’t realy blame them for doing so. Can you? To make a long story short: you can of course try to train all the birds in your area to fly upside down so they will not leave their “waste products” on your freshly washed car. However your changes of success will probably be less than zero. Asking doms not to be dominant probably will produce a similar score.

Discrepancies

Back to the subject at hand. In the real life community there have always been discrepancies: between Maledoms and Femdoms, couples and singles, leather vs latex and you name it. Discussions about what “real” EPE, BDSM, D/s, 24/7, TPE or whatever is, are nothing new. The Internet has brought about something we did not know before: real life vs on-line. However, the dynamics are the same.

Now first of all, these discussions are not unimportant. On the contrary. They will shape and form people as well as the community as a whole. Next to that: BDSM people seem to be extremely touchy and trigger happy, when it comes to discussions. Many have extremely long toes and are easily “offended” even by the smallest of infringements of their world. That too is at least understandable. We are talking a very emotional, very personal subject here and – as I have said before – the emotions form a part of that. So there is nothing wrong with discussions becoming emotional, maybe a bit flamey. That is simply part and parcel of the subject.

But: the new real life vs on-line discrepancies do bring about something new and dangerous. And that is in the lack of (social) control. Back in “the old days” (as far as I am concerned not necessarily the good old days) the communities used to be very regional, small and “controllable”. Wannabees, potential pretenders and such where easily and usually quickly smoked out. That is impossible on the Internet since “misinformation” – like all other information spreads on the Internet like wildfire and that is where the danger is. One can easily make comparisons with the ever occurring hoaxes about viruses spread via certain e-mails.

Dreamworld

Subspace What in fact the “real life people” are trying to say is that their on-line brothers and sisters are often painting a dreamworld and by doing so are actively contributing to the misopinions by others. Let me put it this way (this is just an example – all characters involved are fictional and any resemblances with real life people is purely accidental): the BDSM-world is not only beautiful. There are quite a few men who call themselves dominant when the only thing they really want is to take advantage of a woman. And – unfortunate as it me be – to them the image of a kneeling women submitting to their needs is just as appealing as it is to a sane, well adjusted dominant. Although such people do not necessarily have to be dangerous, they do not belong in the EPE world. These (amongst others) were the type of people that used to be removed from real life organizations quickly and usually – if possible – refereed to professional help.

On the Internet however their fantasies are being indulged in daily by what I like to call “bedroom eyed subs”, spreading their stories about how they kneel in front of their “Master” and submit to him when – what they are actually doing – is more or less virtually kneeling in front of their computer screen. And on the Internet there is no social control.

The other difficulty is that people with real life experience know these dream stories are unreal. They know about the struggles, about the dom sleeping next to them snoring, with any luck sweating as well, cutting his toenails and leaving them on the bedroom floor. And still he expects his partner to submit.
They also know about the fact that their sub usually does not exactly resemble a sexy purring kitten when she gets out of bed in the morning, that she is also a mom and has different roles to cope with. In a good relationship people will get over these things and will still create a very intense world, but not without substantial difficulty. They simply cannot relate to the “we had only been talking five minutes and he appeared to be the Master of my dreams” stories.

That does not mean people are not entitled to their dreams. Of course they are. But they are exactly and only that. Dreams. If it makes you happy, go right ahead, have fun, enjoy them, dream them every night over and over again. Nothing wrong with that. Just don’t expect others to like your dream as well. Because you see – the people who have the type of dreams that others like as well are either a best seller novel writer or called Steven Spielberg. If you do not fall in any of these categories, your dream probably just isn’t to others what it is to you.

On the other hand, I think people who have a real life relationship should count their blessings, especially if it is a long lasting and successful one. Since that is anything but common when it comes to erotic power exchange.

And yet exactly that is the other thing is what makes real life people climb the wall when it comes to the on-line “experiences”. They know a real life EPE relationship – no matter what form or shape it has – doesn’t come easy and in fact is very hard work. Do you want to know what is really important to a “real life” dom? Not the fact that his partner submits to him. But that she remains doing so after having seen all his faults, struggles, bad character aspects, strange habits and such. That she is still doing so after ten or twenty or maybe thirty years. And that is entirely different from your average”first collaring experience”. It is probably (I say this reluctantly) much more intense and in any case entirely different.

Back to my self imposed question. Will the twain ever meet? My personal opinion? Probably not. But there is nothing wrong with that. People are different and needs are different. Only twenty years ago the big credo in the EPE world was that everything had to be pan-sexual. Only recently the community is discovering and accepting the fact that there are differences between the for example the heterosexual and homosexual EPE-culture. And that within the heterosexual world there are differences between Maledom and Femdom.

it is quite likely there will be differences within the Maledom/femsub culture. Acknowledging these differences helps. Acknowledging that people with (longer) real life experience usually do know better (because they have gone through all the mistakes themselves) and that especially those who have had experience in groups and have seen a bit more than just their own relationship do see there ARE some things that others fail to acknowledge: such as the fact that there are SOPs (standard operating procedures) and that you can spot mistakes and mishaps twenty or thirty Miles ahead.

The above article is a reprint from our information/educational site Kink Culture.
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