THIS is TRUE  by Randy Cassingham
A weekly column of oddities from around the world

NOT FURLONG: Gamblers wanting to wager on horse races at Lone Star Park in Grand Prairie, Texas, have it easier than ever. The track has opened four service lanes in the parking lot for drive-through betting. “You just drive right up and make your wagers and pay for them and off you go,” says a track spokesman. And it’s personal, face to face service, he says, “no Jack-in-the-Box speakers or anything.” (AP) …And so convenient, too! When you lose, they just keep your car.

JUST THE FACTS, MAN: Police in Honolulu, Hawaii, responding to an apartment after a “911″ call, were greeted by Denny Usui, 28. They asked to see his grandmother, who lived there, but he told them she wasn’t home. After insisting they needed to talk to her, he changed his story, officers say. “Oh, I think she’s dead,” he told the cops. “She’s in the shower.” Officers found her, dead, “neatly covered” by a blanket. Usui reportedly told them, “I don’t want to say anything else until I speak to my attorney because this is a felony and I never committed a murder before.” (Honolulu Star-Bulletin) …If you give up your right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you as soon as we finish laughing.

SMALL TOWN RENAISSANCE: People living near Lily Glen Park in Ashland, Ore., complained to the city after the Society for Creative Anachronism had a members-only event at the park. The private party, which the group obtained a city permit for, featured a “medieval war” staged with period costumes, including armor. City officials ignored the complaints about the battle. “What can you do?” asked City Commissioner Jack Walker. “I’m not going after anybody with a sword and shield.” (AP) …The pen, especially when wielded by a bureaucrat, is mightier than the sword.

SCRAM: Managers at the Warrawong Westfield Mall in Wollongong, Australia, is tired of teens hanging around the entrances of stores to chat. To chase them away, it decided to play Bing Crosby’s song, “My Heart is Taking Lessons” over and over on outside loudspeakers. It works. “All the people from Warrawong High used to hang here after school,” said a teen. “Now you don’t see them.” In case the tactic wears off, they’re ready to implement phase two: pink lighting to make facial acne stand out. (AFP) …Phase three: fun house mirrors to make the girls look fat.

NO, REALLY! Police have captured Arwyn Carr in Flagstaff, Ariz. Carr, 43, faked his death five years ago while awaiting trial in Florida on child molestation charges. “This is one of the most unusual cases I’ve worked,” said Florida state investigator Bill Gootee, who has been working the case. “Most of them just run.” Carr faces life in prison over the original charges. Meanwhile, Arthur Gus Bennett, 45, facing a Marine Corps court-martial for raping several children, including his own daughter, had faked his death five years ago by killing a homeless man and leaving the body in his home, which he set on fire. He too was recently found alive, in Utah, and was awaiting transfer back to the Marines when he was found hanging in his jail cell, dead from apparent suicide. (AP) …If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

DON’T TOY WITH US: President Bill Clinton announced he was “eager as a kid with a new toy” to meet the new Israeli Prime Minister, Ehud Barak. The idiom didn’t translate well into Hebrew. An upset Israeli reporter asked him, “What kind of game do you want to play with him?” Clinton quickly explained he doesn’t wish to actually play with the prime minister. “I would never do that. If I were taking a trip to Hawaii, I might say I’m as excited as a kid with a new toy. Doesn’t mean I think Hawaii’s a toy, if you see what I mean.” (Reuters) …Right. It’s not a “Clinton toy” unless she’s under 25.

ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY: Federal Express has lost 695 unscored answer sheets for the Scholastic Assessment Test taken by students in Gardena, Calif. The high school kids that took the multi-hour test will have to retake it, said officials from Educational Testing Service, which administers the college entrance exam. ETS notified the students of the lost tests by mail. “She read the letter, then read the letter again,” said one parent, and “she said, ‘Mom, there’s no score.’ Things were coming out of my daughter’s mouth I didn’t think she knew.” (AP) …She should ace the verbal portion, then.

VROOM: Horror writer Stephen King is back to his writing. King, the author of such books as “Cujo”, “Carrie” and “Misery”, was out walking near his home recently when he was struck from behind by a minivan, causing serious injuries. King went through five rounds of surgery to repair broken bones and a collapsed lung, but is now home recuperating. He spends “more time out of bed every day, using a walker or wheelchair,” his spokeswoman says, and is back “working on a couple of projects he had put on hold.” (UPI) …Coming soon: “Christine II”.

BRING ME MEN: U.S. Air Force 1st Lt. Ryan Berry, 26, says he should not have to work with women. Berry is assigned to a nuclear missile silo at North Dakota’s Minot Air Force Base. The job requires two officers to be present to launch missiles in case of war. His commanders tried to accommodate his wishes until fellow officers complained about the special treatment Berry was getting. Berry, who is married and describes himself as a devout Roman Catholic, says he cannot work alone with a woman on the typical 24-hour shifts underground because such “close quarters can tempt a man to sin.” (AP) …If he has no willpower, do we really want him to hold the keys to nukes?

OUT OF THE FRYING PAN, INTO THE FIRE: “Scared of Y2K? Head for a Nuclear Reactor” — Reuters headline

REMEMBER THE “Austin Powers” doll from two weeks ago that said a naughty word? The mother of an 11-year-old was outraged when her kid asked what it meant and filed a criminal obscenity complaint. The prosecutor said he didn’t know who to prosecute; I suggested that he start with the mother. I’m not aware of any of you Premium readers objecting to the story, but I got a few dozen reactions when it went to the free list later! They ranged from obscene rants to very thoughtful essays. My treatment of the issue in last weekend’s free edition has brought on a HUGE response of support. If you’re not on the free list anymore, and want to read through that author’s note (AND the draft of this coming weekend’s author’s note!), I’ve got it set up on an autoresponder for you so you can get a copy by e-mail — it’s WAY too long to include here. Send a blank message to rant@thisistrue.com for a copy. It’s fairly amusing to me that so many people *choose* to be offended — they assume I’m talking to THEM when I say “sicko morons” sent me obscene mail, rather than assume I mean them when I say “thoughtful, intelligent readers”. (And it IS a draft; I may have to pull some of the letters in there for space reasons, and may add others instead if more come in that I’d like to include — which can be considered an invitation, if you wish to weigh in.)

THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Simon Nkabinde. A musical legend in South Africa under his middle name, Mahlathini, which was also the name of his music group, Nkabinde helped popularize Zulu music around the world. The group’s style, known as “Mbaqanga”, pushed Mahlathini to the top of the African music charts in the 1960s and 70s. The group’s resurgence in 1984 inspired a number of currently popular township pop bands. Nkabinde died July 28 from complications from diabetes. He was 61.