by Randy Cassingham
IF THEY MEAN TO HAVE A WAR, LET IT BEGIN HERE: The city of Lexington, Mass., is planning a big celebration around the 225th anniversary of the Battle of Lexington, the first military clash of the U.S. Revolutionary War. However, the state’s new gun control law may make the planned re-enactment of the battle less than authentic. Antique weapons such as muskets are not exempt from the law, which requires bright orange trigger locks and special licenses in order to bring them out in public. (AP) …Requiring the Minutemen to point their fingers and yell “Bang bang, you’re dead!” will certainly impress visitors with their historical rejection of governmental tyranny.
WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S: When Ian Clifton, 35, passed out at a party in Sheffield, England, his friends shaved his head and took pictures of him posed with a blow-up doll. It wasn’t until two hours later that one of the other partygoers thought to check for a pulse. There was none. “If he had been given medical treatment, his chances of survival would have been greater,” said a pathologist at the inquest, which ruled Clifton died from accidental alcohol poisoning after drinking beer and spiked punch all evening. “It is quite disturbing to think people were celebrating a birthday party in the presence of a corpse,” noted Sheffield Coroner Chris Dorries. (London Telegraph) …Everyone else said he was the life of the party.
BORN LOSER: Michael McGilbra, 40, attempted to kill himself in his Las Vegas, Nev., apartment, a court was told, by opening a gas valve and inhaling the fumes. It didn’t work: the bored McGilbra promptly fell asleep. When he awoke, he decided to have a cigarette. The resulting explosion didn’t kill him either, bit it did destroy several apartments and blew the building’s roof off, causing $500,000 in damage. McGilbra has been charged with endangering property by explosives and malicious injury to private property, both felonies. (AP) …”It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.” –Emil Cioran (1911-1995), Rumanian-born French philosopher.
WALK WITH ME: To help enhance the experience of tourists who want to retrace Jesus’ steps through the Holy Land, Israel’s National Parks Authority has approved plans for a slightly submerged bridge in the Sea of Galilee at Capernaum so that visitors can “walk on water” at the site Jesus supposedly did 2000 years ago. The bridge will not have rails, but lifeguards and rescue boats will be stationed nearby in case of accident. Parks planning chief Zeev Margalit concluded the attraction “would not be too kitschy,” even though “in beginning we thought it was a joke.” (AP) …It will be, if tourists act like Jesus for a day, rather than a lifetime.
QED: Residents of South Africa were warned not to rely on condoms distributed by the government’s health office enclosed in pamphlets with advice on how to avoid AIDS. The problem? The condoms were stapled to the pamphlets, the resulting holes ruining them. A government spokeswoman blamed “a packaging company inexperienced in condom- handling” for the problem. (AFP) …And whose job was it to teach them how to handle condoms?
REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM: John Bothe says his employer is ignoring his disability by trying to get him to predict the winners of horse races for its customers. “I’m a compulsive gambler. A sick one,” Bothe says, so handicapping races might tempt him to gamble again, interrupting his efforts to pay back more than $100,000 in old gambling debts. His employer is threatening to cut his salary if he doesn’t fulfill all of his duties, so he is suing them under state disability laws. His employer is New Jersey’s Meadowlands Racetrack; Bothe, known as “The Voice of the Meadowlands”, is the caller for the races and has worked at the track for nearly 20 years. (AP) …If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
MARKED FOR LIFE: Lee Williams, 23, a student at Michigan’s Wayne State University, proudly sported a tattoo on his forearm that read “Villain”. At least he used to be proud, until a friend pointed at it and started to laugh: the word was misspelled “Villian”. Williams is now suing Eternal Tattoos for $25,000 in damages, including $1,900 in plastic surgery to have the tattoo removed. (AP) …”I really feel like an dumbie,” Williams said afterward in a letter to his mother.
SOME STORIES YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO READ: “Butts Slams Beer Ads Featuring Animal Sex” — UPI headline
WARPED LIKE ME: A nice letter this week from Nigel, an information scientist in the U.K.: “I would like to express my sincere gratitude for the weekly flash of light that ‘This is True’ brings to my life. I find the stories usually funny and ALWAYS perceptively chosen. This is obviously the work of someone with the same kind of warped, human- loving, celebrate-not-denigrate sense of humour as I like to think of having myself. It is almost worth having the world so screwed up — because else there would be no call for ‘This is True’.” Thanks, Nigel, you– oh wait, there’s more: “I particularly look forward to the honorary unsubscribe (oh god! how morbid!) The content is frequently touching, and shows a sensitivity for the decency and achievement in a person’s life. Even more so; it is amazing how often it makes me sit and actually THINK about the legacy of the people described. Perhaps yours is the best kind of obituary a person could ever wish for.” Indeed, that’s what I’m trying to do: thanks for noticing!
THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Glenn T. Seaborg. A former chairman of the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission, Seaborg discovered or co-discovered 10 “transuranium” elements: plutonium, americium, curium, berkelium, californium, einsteinium, fermium, mendelevium, nobelium and seaborgium, the last being the first element ever named after a living person. His work earned him a shared Nobel Prize in Chemistry in 1951, and the National Medal of Science in 1991. His discoveries also led to medical uses of radioactivity, such as the iodine-131 used to treat his mother’s cancer in the 1950s. Seaborg died at home in Lafayette, Calif., on February 26 at age 86, of complications from a stroke.
Joke of the Week
If Dear Abby was a man:
Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior – and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins = involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.