THIS is TRUE by Randy Cassingham
A weekly column of oddities from around the world

NO CRAZIES, PLEASE, WE’RE BRITISH: A few weeks ago, stickers appeared on London underground trains calling on people to protest in front of Buckingham Palace “for the right to walk naked in the street.” Sure enough, on the appointed day police found three men protesting in the nude in front of the palace. “I saw a bill in the tube,” one said. “I don’t know who called the protest [but] I’m here to protest against shyness.” Police arrested the men. Meanwhile, a British government report concludes that the mentally ill, not terrorists, constitute the greatest threat to the royal family. Over the last six years an average of 1000 mentally disturbed people per year have been found near royal palaces. The report, written by a former head of Scotland Yard, suggests royal protection officers be given special training in dealing with people “fixated” on the royals. (AFP, 2) …Hint: attempting to expose one’s self to the queen is a sure warning signal.

FRIENDS DON’T LET FOREIGNERS DRIVE DRUNK: An Orlando, Fla., attorney suing Dollar Rent-A-Car said the car rental company “knew or should have known about the unique cultural and ethnic customs existing in Ireland which involve the regular consumption of alcohol at ‘Pubs’ as a major component to Irish social life” when they rented a car to Sean McGrath. McGrath, who is Irish, got drunk when driving the car, and his girlfriend, Carmel Elizabeth Cunningham, was killed when he crashed. Because he was Irish, Dollar “knew or should have known that Sean McGrath would have a high propensity to drink alcohol” and thus might drive drunk, the suit said. But after a huge outcry over his racist lawsuit, attorney John Stemberger apologized and says he will rewrite the charges. However, noting that the victim in the case was also Irish, Stemberger said “I view myself as an advocate trying to protect the Irish, in this case.” (AP) …Have you ever noticed how few self- appointed “protectors” ask the “protectees” if they want their help?

CALL IT WHAT YOU WILL: President Bill Clinton gave the graduation address at the University of Chicago last weekend, but it could not be titled a “Commencement Address”, officials there said, since university rules state that only faculty members can give a commencement address. The president was instead billed as a “distinguished guest speaker”. Further, officials announced, Clinton will not get an honorary degree for his speech, as the rules state that only “leading academic scholars” are eligible for such honors. “Other elite universities will give honorary degrees to entertainers or sports figures, but we don’t do it,” a university spokesman said. A White House spokesman called the president’s billing “a question of semantics.” (AP) …Indeed: what is the definition of “honor”?

WELCOME TO “CIVILIZATION”: Traditionally, residents of Fiji prefer a “robust, well-muscled body” for both sexes — what many Westerners would call “large”. But television arrived in Fiji in 1995, bringing such shows as “Melrose Place” and “Xena: Warrior Princess” with their depiction of “Western ideals of beauty”. Since then, things have changed radically, say Harvard Medical School anthropologists studying the Fijian population. In a 1998 survey, 74 percent of Fijian girls said they felt “too big or fat” and, the Harvard researchers note, there has been a marked increase in eating disorders such as induced vomiting. (Reuters) …Vomiting is the natural reaction to those shows.

FOOD FIGHT: “Potato, Dancing Raisins Cut a Deal” — AP headline

THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Saul Steinberg. A cartoonist for The New Yorker magazine, Steinberg was known for his satirical style. Over his 50-year career with the magazine, he produced 642 drawings plus 85 covers, the most famous being “View of the World from 9th Avenue” (March 29, 1976 issue), an often-imitated jab at the tendency of New Yorkers to view the city as most of the world: Ninth Avenue takes up half the foreground, and tiny patches in the far background stand in for “Pacific Ocean” and “China” — and little else. “He was making fun of New Yorkers, but he was including himself,” says cover editor Francoise Mouly. His “twisted” drawings of Hitler and Benito Mussolini were printed in quantity and dropped behind enemy lines during World War II. Born in Romania, Steinberg received a doctorate in architecture in Italy at age 26. He worked in the field for only a few months, but his precise drawings (thanks to what he called “reasoned lines”) reflected his training. Steinberg died May 12 at his Manhattan home. He was 84.

Jokes of the Week
Keeping Abreast… And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, “Is there anything you’d like to have changed?” She replied, “Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?” And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?” And God created man.

 A French woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were, concerning her rapidly sagging face. After a thorough exam, the doctor said, “We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high tech procedure called ‘The Knob’.” “What on earth is ‘The Knob’, Doctor?” she asked. “It is a procedure where we install a knob behind your ears on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag. When you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again.” “Oh, yes! That’s what I would like to have,” she replied excitedly. The operation was a wonderful success: She looked 15 years younger. As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and… voila! Her face was once again beautiful. Then, suddenly, one day about 8 months later, she woke up one morning and saw huge bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she quickly called the doctor and reported the bags. “You had better get right over here, and let me check this out!” the doctor replied. After thoroughly examining her strange condition, he said, “The bags under your eyes are actually your tits…” She replied, “Well, I guess, that explains the Beard!”

Fan Letter Of The Week:

Dear Kiko,
Well your webpage and pictures certainly got to me, so much so that I’m inspired to describe to you a future we might have together. I am a LOT older than you (46) so let’s get that out of the way. But I look younger, act younger, think younger, and have the older man’s advantage of a LOT more income. Like you, I work in television. I make documentary films for PBS in this country and Channel 4 in the UK. I also have an Internet video company and I work as a writer. I travel about 200,000 miles per year and in 1999 I will earn approximately $500,000. Here’s the dream I have for you and me. We meet, fall in love, and marry. You help me in my work or I help you in yours. Either way we are together. In every country, state or city we visit I’ll fuck you, preferably in some public place. I can fuck for hours. I’ll take you across balcony rails and on the hoods of other peoples’ Mercedes. I’ll have you give me blowjobs on subway platforms and fuck you in the ass in your mother’s bed. I’ll find other men for you to suck and fuck — strangers whom I, not you, will select. I’ll fuck other women, but only in front of you, then I’ll let you lick my come from their cunts. In all of this I’ll be your protector. You’ll be always on the edge, yet perfectly safe. I’ll protect you, pierce you, overpower you, and give you more orgasms than you ever thought possible. Do you want to meet me?