THIS is TRUE by Randy Cassingham
A weekly column of oddities from around the world

PUT A PRICE ON THIS, YOUR HONOR: MasterCard International’s current ad campaign — giving prices for various items and then describing the experience of buying them as “priceless” — has generated numerous parodies. But the credit card company isn’t laughing at an ad in that style on Home Box Office for its comedy series “Arliss”. MasterCard is suing HBO for $15 million, charging the gag ad “knowingly and willfully misappropriates” its copyrights and trademarks. “The ads are clearly a parody and a permissible form of creative advertising,” says an HBO spokesman, but MasterCard says while a joke is one thing, using their idea for a commercial purpose is another. (AP) …Swiping a creative concept: $15 million. Watching humorless banking executives sputter indignantly: priceless.

KEEP AN EYE ON THE COMPETITION: English tourist trap London Dungeon has a new gimmick to attract visitors to its “17th century Newgate Jail” exhibit: it’s selling fake human eyeballs, hands and feet. “In the 17th century people did buy the remains of executed criminals to use as talismans to ward off evil spirits,” a Dungeon spokesman claims. But other tourist attractions find the concept sick. “Everyone enjoys a joke,” says a spokesman for the Big Bus Company. But “the majority of our visitors are from abroad and simply aren’t prepared for the twisted British sense of humor.” (Reuters) …If we can stomach Charles in a kilt we can take anything the Brits dish up.

THE NAKED AND THE DAMNED: Students at Cherry Street Elementary School in Panama City, Fla., were encouraged to bring reading material from home in case they finished a test early. But when teacher Wanda Nelson saw what fourth-grade student Sebastian Allen, 10, was reading, she yanked it out of his hands, declared it “pornography”, ripped it up and threw it into the trash. Sebastian was reading a “rare collector’s issue” of National Geographic which included drawings of naked humans. The teacher was given a written reprimand by the school for “inappropriate action”. (AP) …And was made to write on the board “I will listen to the defense before passing judgement” 100 times.

JOB GOES DOWN THE DRAIN: A policeman in Harare, Zimbabwe, was arrested after allegedly accepting a bribe. But the cop ate the evidence, two Z$100 bills (US$5.30), before the arresting officers could grab them. Without the evidence, they don’t have a case. “We tried to make him vomit, but it did not work,” an investigator said. “So we are waiting for him to release [the money] through other means.” (AFP) …It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

NEXT CASE: Beverley Lancaster, 44, retired from her clerk job at the City Council in Birmingham, England, because of job stress. What was so stressful? She was promoted against her will, she says. A sympathetic industrial tribunal has awarded her 67,000 pounds (US$105,600) in compensation. “My employers should have listened to me but I was treated like a number, not a human being,” she complained. (Reuters) …”But 67,000 is a number I can live with,” she said afterward.

POSTED: The city of Des Moines, Iowa, is tired of residents putting up signs on utility poles. Signs for garage sales, lost pets, political candidates, weight loss schemes and the like. “It looks really tacky,” complains Councilman Michael McPherson. So the city plans to post signs to remind residents that putting signs up on utility poles is illegal. Where will they post these warnings? On the only thing handy: utility poles. (AP) …Do as we legislate, not as we do.

STANDARD DEDUCTION: New Zealand’s Parliament asked for documentation from the Inland Revenue Department about what guidelines it uses to determine what is tax-deductible. The IRD responded with 35,000 pages of rules. Among them, the Evening Post newspaper found, are rules for prostitutes. Even though the sex trade is illegal, prostitutes must pay taxes. But first, they can deduct their costs for on-the-job bubble bath, dairy whip, condoms, lubricants, lingerie and see-through clothing. “Ordinary stockings are not tax deductible but patterned stockings used for work are,” the Post found. (Reuters) …While tax auditors are allowed to deduct whips, pliers, hammers, bamboo shoots and any salt rubbed into wounds.

CONGENITAL: While medical science can help some men with low sperm counts father children anyway, the children may also suffer fertility problems, researchers say. In some cases, in-vitro fertilization “does result in some men passing the genetic flaw responsible for their infertility on to their sons,” says Dr. David C. Page of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Whitehead Institute for Biological Research. (AP) …Leave it to science to turn the perfectly good punchline “If you’re infertile it’s likely your children will be too” into a recognized medical fact.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Deborah Lee Benagh, 44, says she was not securely strapped in when riding a roller coaster at Six Flags Elitch Gardens in Denver, Colo., two years ago, and the resulting head-banging caused her to suffer memory problems. “I could have a conversation with someone and turn around and have no memory of it,” Benagh said. “I would lose time. I’d be standing at the stove with a spice in my hand and couldn’t remember if I’d used it or not.” She is suing the amusement park claiming the ride is defective. The roller coaster’s name: Mind Eraser. (Denver Rocky Mountain News) …How can she be sure that’s where it happened?

FORE! “Golfer Charged With Drunken Driving” — AP headline

THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Charles Conrad, Jr. One of the earliest NASA astronauts, “Pete” Conrad was the third man to walk on the moon. It was the crowning achievement of his NASA career, which included four space trips totaling more than 1,180 hours in space. He also flew twice during the Gemini program, and spent 28 days on the first U.S. space station, Skylab, in 1973. Before joining NASA, Conrad was a flight instructor and test pilot at the Navy Test Pilot School in Patuxent River, Md. Lately, he was working on opening up space to civilians for vacation trips. Conrad died July 8 from injuries suffered in a motorcycle accident in California. He was 69.

Joke of the Week
The world According to Andy Rooney…. Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.” Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

FAN LETTER OF THE WEEK:
A message from geotlin33 to Kiko: As I gently blind fold you..I nibble your ear and gently licks your neck..slowly you feel some ticklish sensation as I apply some salt onto your tender wet neck..slowly you feel a piece of lemon being inserted into your mouth as I softly kiss your sweet lips. Suddenly a stinging sensation penetrate your body through your neck as I took a shot of Tequila and taste the saly from your neck..and you feel the sweet kiss as my lips touching yours..feeling the lemon in your mouth being sucked by me through our kiss..you taste the filtered tequila down your throat..and slowly you feel warmed up inside and the bliding sensation consumes you with questions of where you might be doing next.. Slowly as I lift your body in my arms..your neck received many short wet kisses that slowly glides up and down..and finally resting on your shoulder…

as I gently lay you on the leather workout bench..with you lying on your stomach..you feel my hands gently rubbing your back..slowly from your hips to your neck..using your spine as my guide..the sensual heat burns up inside you with every gentle touch..until you finally let out a little moan… Slowly you feel your body being turned..and your back now lying on the bench..as my hands softly slips under your shirt..gently caressing your tender skin..the soft touch slowly covers your stomach..teasing you as it pass your ches and gently rubbs your shoulder as I kiss your sweet lips…Slowly I take off your shirt..and apply butterfly wet kisses from your neck to your lower parts of your shoulders..at the same time gently caressing your skin. Suddenly you feel a drop of iced cold water dripps onyo your stomach..and your body responds trembling as more drops of iced cold water slowly dripps onto your warm skin..suddenly you feel numerous ice cubed gentlt touching your skin..alomost as if they’re hovering above you..the chiled sensation brought up new moans as I slowly take off your bra…and drops of iced cold water slowly dripps onto your breasts..slwoly but gradually your nibbles hardened ..and you feel the touch of ice now creating smooth friction upon your breasts..you moan softly..as I caresses your breasts with the ice in slow clockwise motion..and a gentle kiss on your nibbles. Slowly part of the ice cold water flows down your skirt..making its cold presence known by drenching your clit..and pussy..just as if you can’t take it no more ofthis teasing..you felt your skirt being slipped off exposing me your wet pantie..Suddenly you feel an ice cube being slipped inside your pantie..and instantly the cold sensation electrify your senses spreading it to all parts of your body as you shake and tremble..

as your warmth slowly melts the ice your pantie is slipped off before I gave it a gentle push upwards..sharpening the senses on your clit. suddenly the smel of candles flows around the room..as I slowly take off your blind fold..first blinded by the light..and then seeing my warm smile and by naked body stands before you..you blushed..and I responded with a soft sweet kiss..as I slowly cuff your wrists onto the bottom of the work out bench..and your legs being spread wide apart..and cuffed onto the floor…Feeling your tension building..I pour s bottle of warm massage oil gently onto your stomach…the instant sensation of heat scintilates you..as your body urges for more..sowly I poured the oil drop by drop..oover your stomach..and I start to caress the heat into your body..slowly anf softly I caress your stomach and shoulders..with every touch of my hand the heat from the oil drenches deep inside you..as my hands slowly slides up to your breasts and suddenly avoids the path by rubbing your shoulder..you gasp..and looked into my eyes as if you wanted more..

Smiling warmly and softly I slowly caresses your tender breasts with the hands now covered in oil..ever so slwoly and gently I caresses your breasts in clockwise motion..and slowly pouring more warm massage oil onto your breasts..as you gasped and letting out light moans..my hands starts to match the pace of the moans with rythmic motions..as you fel your breasts being rubbed faster and faster..and with each motion drenching the heat into your breasts..you let out a whispering cry..and gasped.. Suddenly as the bench is being declined you feel more warm massage oil being dripped slowly onto your clit..and I gently blow air onto it to increase the sensation..you gasped a little more and see the candles that surounds us..smelling the sweet scent as if its being drenched into you with my touch..slwoly the warm massage oil drenches your clit and part of your pussy..and ite streams towads your breasts like a river running onto your sweet skin..it slowled down a bit at the breasts..and you slowly feel the oil accumualting and finally amassed enough strenght to strean down your breasts..

feeling tickled with warm strem like touches your gasps becomes faster.. With your eyes looking into mine I careses your breasts once more..except this time faster with more pressure to match your pacing moans and gasps..suddenly you feel my entire body leaning against yours..slowly moving up and down your body..the oil between us creates hot friction that penetrates deep into our souls..as I hold the bench closer and tighter..I can feel your skin now covered with warm massage oil rightly rubbing against mine..with very move I make the sensations spreads out every part of our bodies mind and souls..slowly feeling your erect breasts rubbing against my chest..my cock rises and feeling your clit each time I rubb against you..sensations of the touch of your breasts upon my chest and your clit on my cock..builds up in my mind and savoring every moment of this bliss..I move slower and slower..until as if you and I are as one..