THIS is TRUE by Randy Cassingham
A weekly column of oddities from around the world

WE’RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, WE’RE HERE TO HELP YOU: Sydney, Australia, is sponsoring a legal “shooting gallery” — a safe indoor place for addicts to inject drugs. The facility will be located in the city’s Kings Cross nightclub district, and will be run by the Catholic order the Sisters of Charity and St. Vincent’s Hospital. “The point about this is to get heroin use off the streets,” said New South Wales Premier Bob Carr. (AP) …And into church, where it belongs.

WE’RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT II: A bill before the U.S. Congress would repeal a federal conservation law requiring toilets to use no more than 1.6 gallons of water per flush. The bill’s author, Rep. Joe Knollenberg, testified before a House subcommittee that he has received thousands of complaints that “new toilets repeatedly clog, require multiple flushing, and in the end do not save water.” Some of the complaints were written on toilet paper, he said. “Their message is clear and straightforward: Get the federal government out of my bathroom.” (AP) …And into the bedroom, where it belongs.

WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE IT ANYWAY: A Senate panel in Brazil has approved a proposal to ban the country’s flag on women’s “dental floss” beach bikinis. “One cannot admit the use of the national flag in situations which are not recommended for the sobriety and the dignity of a symbol of the nation,” said a statement from the Senate’s Constitution and Justice Commission. (Reuters) …Indeed. The bikini itself is sufficiently patriotic.

STRAINING TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT: When Vice President Al Gore wanted a photo to show what an environmentally-minded politician he is, he decided a canoe trip on the Connecticut River would do. But to make the photo better, 4 billion gallons of water was released from a dam to bring the river’s water level up far enough so Gore’s canoe wouldn’t get stuck in the mud. “They won’t release water for the fish when we ask them to, but somehow they find themselves able to release it for a politician,” complained John Kassel, director of the Vermont Department of Natural Resources, to The Washington Times newspaper. Kassel later denied making the remark, but the paper stood by its story. Meanwhile, ex-Vice President Dan Quayle is proud that he is the butt of jokes by TV comedians. “In the Leno poll, I’m number one,” Quayle proclaimed, referring to the host of The Tonight Show who, he says, has made at least 52 jokes this year at his expense. They don’t bother him? “Oh, I love those jokes,” Quayle insists. (AP, 2) …At least, the ones he understands.

SAY IT, THEN RUN: “I don’t think it’s our job as economists or scientists to withhold truth because some people are not going to like it,” says University of Chicago (Ill.) economist Steve Levitt. And what “truth” is that? His study concludes that the primary cause of decreasing crime rates in the U.S. is the 1973 legalization of abortion. Abortion reduced the number of “kids who are going to lead really tough lives,” Levitt says, contributing to about half of the reduction in crime during the 1990s. The study shows that each 10 percent increase in abortions led later to a 1 percent drop in crime. (UPI) …Maybe it also explains the lack of intelligent politicians.

DON’T LEAVE THE PLAYGROUND WITHOUT IT: Antonia Scalise of Rochester, N.Y., thought it would be amusing to fill out a credit card application in the name of her daughter, Alessandra. She accurately stated that Alessandra was 3 years old, listed her occupation as “preschooler”, and wrote she wants a credit card even though “my mommy says no”. The application to Charter One Bank was approved and the girl was given a $5,000 credit limit. Antonia complained that even though she put down zero income, the girl got a credit card “with a higher line of credit than me and my husband have.” Everyone but the bank has a sense of humor about it: “We’ve taught her to say, ‘Charge it’,” Antonia says, but the bank has canceled the account. (AP) …Preschooler credit line, $5,000. Beating the bank at its own game, Priceless.

DON’T BUG ME: The Canadian Heritage Department spent C$19,000 on a poll to determine whether a new national symbol should be added to the traditional Maple Leaf: a national insect. Citizens slapped the idea flat: 84 percent of those polled rejected the entire concept. (Reuters) …Leading the world to respect Canuck intelligence just that much more.

APOCALYPSE NOW: The police superintendent in the town of Picui in Paraiba, Brazil, believed rumors that Earth would be destroyed with the recent solar eclipse. He ordered the release of the three prisoners in the town’s jail “so they could enjoy the little time left before the end of the world.” He and the three robbers then got drunk together to lament the event. But once he sobered up, he learned that he had been fired by the province Justice Minister for his actions. (AFP) …Rumors of the world’s demise have been greatly exaggerated.

APOCALYPSE LATER: The Interior Ministry of Mexico thought it prudent to reassure the country’s citizens about the recent solar eclipse, even though it wouldn’t be visible in the country. “There is absolutely no scientific evidence that eclipses are related to, or associated with, disasters or catastrophes,” the Ministry warned in a press release. However, the newspaper Reforma didn’t find the message particularly reassuring. “Government bulletins rarely are in touch with reality,” the paper editorialized, “So if we’re not careful the world just might come to an end.” (Reuters) …Rumors of the cause of the world’s demise will rather likely prove correct.

OF COURSE! ONE FOLLOWS HIM WHEREVER HE GOES: “Pavarotti Anticipating Eclipse” — AP headline

GETAWAY: I’ve been sitting in this office just too dang much this summer, and I’ve been getting *tense*! (Not to mention my aching hands, which are getting better very, v-e-r-y slowly after the RASH of e-mail of a few weeks back). I did take a few days off earlier to visit the presidents at Mt. Rushmore and the in-progress Crazy Horse memorial — both well worth the trip! — but I feel a need for more. So I’ve scheduled a trip later this week to one of the most beautiful spots in North America: Victoria, BC, Canada, to have a face-to-face strategy session with another online humor (though SHE would say “humour”!) netrepreneur, Cathie Walker of the Centre for the Easily Amused (her highly recommended web site is at http://www.amused.com). Yes, I will indeed stop to smell the roses at the incredible Butchart Gardens while I’m in town, and gorge on seafood during my two stopovers in Seattle. So if you e-mail me and it takes a week to get a reply, you’ll know why….

THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Robert Thomas Jones. After enrolling in University of Missouri in 1927, but dropped out a year later to pursue his dream of flying. He joined Charles Fower’s flying circus where he traded chores for flying lessons. In 1934, he took a more practical approach: he joined the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics — the forerunner of NASA — in Langley, Va., and in 1946 transferred to NASA’s Ames Research Center in Mountain View, Calif. His primary contribution to flight were his designs, starting in 1944, for swept-back wings, which are used now on most jet planes from fighters to passenger transports. When he retired in 1981, Jones received the Congressional Excalibur Award for his contributions to aeronautical science. He also received the Langley Award from the Smithsonian Institution, joining the likes of the Wright brothers and Charles Lindberg. Jones died August 11 in California. He was 89.

Joke of the Week:

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale. The other farmer says, “yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy: He’ll service every chicken you’ve got, no problem.” Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer says with a chuckle. Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham— He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham— He gets all the geese. Randy’s up in the barn with the pigeons; he’s in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer.”

FAN LETTER OF THE WEEK:
A message from “DeanTheWildOne” to “akiko69″: I am a retired pro cyclist age 36. I currently work as account exec in NYC. I have powerful thighs, tight butt, lean and tone upper torso. I have a nice face and have even done a little modeling in Europe. I have a BS in math and physics and hope to go for my doctorate in the near future. You can expect alot of dirty talk, bondage, being blindfolded, cum on your face and tits and other kinky activities. However, there will be times when I want normal sex without all the bells and whistles. Not just looking for slut sex slave, but also travel partner & intelligent lady for companionship. Dean