THIS is TRUE by Randy Cassingham
A weekly column of oddities from around the world
WE’RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, WE’RE HERE TO HELP YOU: Sydney, Australia, is sponsoring a legal “shooting gallery” — a safe indoor place for addicts to inject drugs. The facility will be located in the city’s Kings Cross nightclub district, and will be run by the Catholic order the Sisters of Charity and St. Vincent’s Hospital. “The point about this is to get heroin use off the streets,” said New South Wales Premier Bob Carr. (AP) …And into church, where it belongs.
WE’RE FROM THE GOVERNMENT II: A bill before the U.S. Congress would repeal a federal conservation law requiring toilets to use no more than 1.6 gallons of water per flush. The bill’s author, Rep. Joe Knollenberg, testified before a House subcommittee that he has received thousands of complaints that “new toilets repeatedly clog, require multiple flushing, and in the end do not save water.” Some of the complaints were written on toilet paper, he said. “Their message is clear and straightforward: Get the federal government out of my bathroom.” (AP) …And into the bedroom, where it belongs.
WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE IT ANYWAY: A Senate panel in Brazil has approved a proposal to ban the country’s flag on women’s “dental floss” beach bikinis. “One cannot admit the use of the national flag in situations which are not recommended for the sobriety and the dignity of a symbol of the nation,” said a statement from the Senate’s Constitution and Justice Commission. (Reuters) …Indeed. The bikini itself is sufficiently patriotic.
STRAINING TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT: When Vice President Al Gore wanted a photo to show what an environmentally-minded politician he is, he decided a canoe trip on the Connecticut River would do. But to make the photo better, 4 billion gallons of water was released from a dam to bring the river’s water level up far enough so Gore’s canoe wouldn’t get stuck in the mud. “They won’t release water for the fish when we ask them to, but somehow they find themselves able to release it for a politician,” complained John Kassel, director of the Vermont Department of Natural Resources, to The Washington Times newspaper. Kassel later denied making the remark, but the paper stood by its story. Meanwhile, ex-Vice President Dan Quayle is proud that he is the butt of jokes by TV comedians. “In the Leno poll, I’m number one,” Quayle proclaimed, referring to the host of The Tonight Show who, he says, has made at least 52 jokes this year at his expense. They don’t bother him? “Oh, I love those jokes,” Quayle insists. (AP, 2) …At least, the ones he understands.
SAY IT, THEN RUN: “I don’t think it’s our job as economists or scientists to withhold truth because some people are not going to like it,” says University of Chicago (Ill.) economist Steve Levitt. And what “truth” is that? His study concludes that the primary cause of decreasing crime rates in the U.S. is the 1973 legalization of abortion. Abortion reduced the number of “kids who are going to lead really tough lives,” Levitt says, contributing to about half of the reduction in crime during the 1990s. The study shows that each 10 percent increase in abortions led later to a 1 percent drop in crime. (UPI) …Maybe it also explains the lack of intelligent politicians.
DON’T LEAVE THE PLAYGROUND WITHOUT IT: Antonia Scalise of Rochester, N.Y., thought it would be amusing to fill out a credit card application in the name of her daughter, Alessandra. She accurately stated that Alessandra was 3 years old, listed her occupation as “preschooler”, and wrote she wants a credit card even though “my mommy says no”. The application to Charter One Bank was approved and the girl was given a $5,000 credit limit. Antonia complained that even though she put down zero income, the girl got a credit card “with a higher line of credit than me and my husband have.” Everyone but the bank has a sense of humor about it: “We’ve taught her to say, ‘Charge it’,” Antonia says, but the bank has canceled the account. (AP) …Preschooler credit line, $5,000. Beating the bank at its own game, Priceless.
DON’T BUG ME: The Canadian Heritage Department spent C$19,000 on a poll to determine whether a new national symbol should be added to the traditional Maple Leaf: a national insect. Citizens slapped the idea flat: 84 percent of those polled rejected the entire concept. (Reuters) …Leading the world to respect Canuck intelligence just that much more.
APOCALYPSE NOW: The police superintendent in the town of Picui in Paraiba, Brazil, believed rumors that Earth would be destroyed with the recent solar eclipse. He ordered the release of the three prisoners in the town’s jail “so they could enjoy the little time left before the end of the world.” He and the three robbers then got drunk together to lament the event. But once he sobered up, he learned that he had been fired by the province Justice Minister for his actions. (AFP) …Rumors of the world’s demise have been greatly exaggerated.
APOCALYPSE LATER: The Interior Ministry of Mexico thought it prudent to reassure the country’s citizens about the recent solar eclipse, even though it wouldn’t be visible in the country. “There is absolutely no scientific evidence that eclipses are related to, or associated with, disasters or catastrophes,” the Ministry warned in a press release. However, the newspaper Reforma didn’t find the message particularly reassuring. “Government bulletins rarely are in touch with reality,” the paper editorialized, “So if we’re not careful the world just might come to an end.” (Reuters) …Rumors of the cause of the world’s demise will rather likely prove correct.
OF COURSE! ONE FOLLOWS HIM WHEREVER HE GOES: “Pavarotti Anticipating Eclipse” — AP headline
THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Robert Thomas Jones. After enrolling in University of Missouri in 1927, but dropped out a year later to pursue his dream of flying. He joined Charles Fower’s flying circus where he traded chores for flying lessons. In 1934, he took a more practical approach: he joined the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics — the forerunner of NASA — in Langley, Va., and in 1946 transferred to NASA’s Ames Research Center in Mountain View, Calif. His primary contribution to flight were his designs, starting in 1944, for swept-back wings, which are used now on most jet planes from fighters to passenger transports. When he retired in 1981, Jones received the Congressional Excalibur Award for his contributions to aeronautical science. He also received the Langley Award from the Smithsonian Institution, joining the likes of the Wright brothers and Charles Lindberg. Jones died August 11 in California. He was 89.
Joke of the Week
THE ELEVATOR – A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, “What’s wrong with you?” In a very weak voice the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what exactly did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw the curious look on your face and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions that everyone always asks me.”
“I’m 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown.” The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around.’
FAN LETTER OF THE WEEK:
Kiko, I find myself believing in angels as my eyes are set upon your beautiful image. Though the world is revolving around us mine has stopped. There are many things within our lives that bring us joy and feelings of peace and I have found that you posses all of these and more. Though words cannot express how I truly feel I am compelled to write to you anyway. If you could find it within your lovely heart to reply to my yearnings I will be able continue on with my life. I have spent my every waking moment since discovering you dreaming of the day I will finally meet you. The women I see on a daily basis are somehow empty in my eyes. It is like comparing caviar to relish. There is no comparison, there is no other woman for me. Your bare feet should be lavished with rose pedals. Your body should be carressed with silk. I wait in anticipation of the day I will do all of these things for you. Don’t worry for I am forever in love and there is no soul on this earth that could dispell my feelings for you. As I wait for your reply my heart weeps.
My best regards,
T.H.