by Randy Cassingham
THE BEAR: The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, worried about the ever-growing value of the stock market coupled with the increase in people doing their own trading online, is warning investors to be careful. “Investing in the stock market will always entail risk, no matter how you do it,” warned SEC Chairman Arthur Levitt, noting that an estimated 5 million “amateur investors” now trade stocks via the Internet. The low prices online have enabled more “day trading” than ever – buying stock and trying to sell it again at a profit the same day. “Investment should be for the long run, not for minutes or hours,” Levitt counseled. (AP) …Hey: you have your strategies, we have ours.
THE BUZZ: Britain’s government-sponsored Family Planning Association is considering adding sex toys and vibrators to its current lineup of sex advice and contraceptive services. “We want to destigmatize sex aids for people,” especially the disabled, insists an FPA spokeswoman. Meanwhile, the state of Alabama has passed a new law banning the sale of “any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs”. Several women who say they need vibrators to achieve sexual satisfaction have sued to block the law, which is now on hold pending the outcome of the suit. If the law goes into effect, violators will face a year in jail and a $10,000 fine. (Reuters, AP) …England apparently knew what it was doing when it allow the Puritans to emigrate to the New World.
THE SPENDTHRIFT: The man who bought O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy at auction for more than a quarter million dollars has come forward to say why: to impress his girlfriend. “My girlfriend and I were reading the paper,” said Tom Kriessman, 47, of Philadelphia, Penn. “I saw [the trophy] was going to be about $100,000 and I said to her, ‘For $100,000, I’d buy it.’ She just laughed at me.” Now that he’s won the bid at more than twice the expected price, he says she’s “very impressed.” (UPI) …Not as impressed as she would have been if he had spent the money on her.
THE OPPORTUNIST: Actor Charlton Heston says he had no idea who the “Friends” were on the TV show “Friends” until he was hired for a guest appearance. “When my agent called, I said, ‘What is Friends? Whose friends?”‘ he said. But once he signed on for the gig, “I really enjoyed doing it.” Because the “Friends” were great people? Probably not. “They paid me an obscene amount of money,” Heston said. (AP) …Pretty typical in Hollywood: you have to buy your friends.
THE FEW, THE PROUD: Senior Lieutenant Arkady Lipunov of the Russian Army, tired of low pay, saw a newspaper ad offering good money to “fit young men”. The 23-year-old officer applied and got the job: he’s now a stripper at a Moscow nightclub catering to women. The military academy graduate says he now earns 7000 rubles (US$200) a month, plus tips, versus 800 (US$33) in the army. However, his first night in front of the ladies was tough. “I’d rather have been standing in front of a tank,” Lipunov said. “I’ve never been so scared.” (Wall Street Journal) …He should have been. Unlike most army recruits, women are trained for combat.
THE FOOLS, THE MONEY, AND THEIR PARTING: British bookmaker William Hill says more and more people are betting that the world will end soon. “One man placed one pound [US$1.60] on a 1,000,000-1 bet on the world ending on August 11… at 12:50 p.m.,” a spokesman said. “We gave another odds of 6,666,666-1 that it would end at 6:00 p.m. on the sixth day of the sixth month this year.” The bookie will also accept bets on civilization ending because of mass suicide (100,000,000-1 odds) or invasion by space aliens (500,000-1). (AFP) …And if they do win, just how will they collect their payoff?
DOCTOR’S ORDERS: Nils Carl Loennberg, the town doctor in Steinhamn, Norway, is pleasing his patients with his advice: people need to drink more wine and have more sex. Wine is good for people, he says, and “those who don’t have an adequate sex life get sick easier.” Dr. Loennberg said his advice started as a joke, but he insists he wants patients to give the idea serious thought. “I hope the doctor will write me a prescription for a girlfriend,” said one local after hearing the doctor’s advice. (AP) …The prescription is the easy part. The hard part is getting reimbursement from health insurance.
DUMPSTER SWEET DUMPSTER: After Donnie Tunstall, 23, allegedly robbed a bank in Dayton, Ohio, police found him hiding in a trash bin. Police searched the dumpster, found a sawed-off shotgun and $4,068 in cash, and arrested Tunstall for armed robbery. But the evidence is the result of an illegal search, argued public defender Beth Goldstein Lewis in a motion to suppress the seized evidence. The trash bin was Tunstall’s home, she told the judge, and police didn’t have a warrant for their search through his “residence”. Before ruling on the unusual motion, the judge is waiting for the results of a court-ordered psychological examination of the suspect. (UPI) …The judge screwed that order up: the public defender is the one who needs a psychological examination.
GOOD PLAN: “Illinois Mulls Capital Punishment Reform after Mistakes” — AFP headline
IN THE MAIL THIS WEEK, a lot of comments about last week’s “Honorary Unsubscribe”. Bob in California was one of many to note I missed one of Bobby Troup’s greatest accomplishments: “His ultimate coup was being married to Julie London, the greatest female lounge/torch singer of all time — kind of the female equivalent of Frank Sinatra. What a life!” Well, you know what they say: behind every successful man is an amazed woman.
MY FAVORITE note this week was from Herb, a cadent at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy in New London, Connecticut. He says he loves the column but, better, it serves his NEEDS at mealtime: “4/C like me are required to give current events at the table if the upperclass want them. I always give them one of yours and they always just simply laugh… and hopefully leave me alone for a while.” Well, if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull….
THUMB DRESSED IN BLACK: I was shocked to learn that popular movie critic Gene Siskel died Saturday, apparently from complications from his brain surgery last year. Siskel & Ebert’s “Two Thumbs Up” was the most coveted review a movie could get. If you want to know more, his home paper, the Chicago Tribune, has a great collection of stories online at http://chicagotribune.com/news/metro/
THIS WEEK’S HONORARY UNSUBSCRIBE goes to Thomas McMahon. Never sure if he was a novelist who was also a scientist, or a scientist who was also a novelist, McMahon’s first book was titled “Principles of American Nuclear Chemistry: A Novel”. A professor of both applied mechanics and biology at Harvard University, he also wrote two other critically acclaimed novels as well as more traditional science books. His wide scientific interest led to the creation of the science of biomechanics, which studies how animals (including humans) walk and move. His work led both to ways to prevent hip injuries in people and improved running surfaces — he helped design Harvard’s “tuned” indoor track. He also showed how the “Jesus Christ” lizard was able to run across the surface of water. McMahon died February 14 from complications of abdominal surgery. He was 55.